hold on! - 8

[u-turn]

I have no reluctance about finding out the truth - it is what I wanted all along. I am not saying that the intel would not serve me well. I feel like I am at my wit's end with being suspicious - it is not a character trait that I think is positive for me.

I do not want to live in a life of being suspicious about every move she makes. It is not fair to either of us - I have driven myself crazy with this and want to be a normal happy person again.

The best I can do right now as far as intel (that I can think of) is reach out to a common "friend" of ours and ask her if W is still lying to me. Friend may or may not answer me (she's a closer friend of my W that of me - her confidant, she knows everything.) I don't think friend would lie to me - as she's given me advice to prepare myself and do what's best for myself and kids before - meaning end this madness with W - W is gone. I think she will give me positive news about W or refuse to answer my question (which will give me an answer (but no physical proof)). I do feel this friend has let us down throughout this - she has not been a good advocate for our marriage (though that is not her responsibility).

I guess my statement of not wanting to live this way is a statement of - I'm not sure that I want to be married to her any more.