Part 17 - Edz, living in interesting times

[edz]

Hi Rd

Thanks I'd love the weight and size to go faster but have to be realistic, was a BIG guy - I'd steadfastly managed to avoid seeing exactly how big I'd got and a lot of that was depression (who cares?) and self delusion (just a couple of stone over - yeah, right!) dealing with both now and getting there slowly, new stuff and dumping all my old big guy gear is helping depression and PMA!

On the sitch, mmm, honestly I dont know and Id be mind reading. Also w acts as two people on this. To me she will and has over the years derided her mother cried, broken down, screamed shouted and most recently told me she just doesnt like her.

She is also absolutely gut terrified of her, dont know why she just cannot resist her control - always thought its seeking approval but thats never going to happen and w knows it. Ive begged her to seek therapy on it over the years and/or take control with healthy boundaries but w has never been able to do it and has always put her mums wishes, concerns or requirements over mine. Many times in the past (before my depression kicked me to the ground) I wondered why I hung in there as last in the marriage, it was of course because I did and do love my wife.

On this development, well, I know theres a "secret" holiday plan as I mentioned w let slip that "all they wanted to do was pay for s to go on a holiday" in a call the other month - I made no deal of it then or now to w despite my ravings in a stupour here last week. Maybe they link together with this. Maybe if w and s go away they stress will be manageable. Personally I think its going to be a car crash. W said to me when I was originally thinking of postponing the move from the flat that she was close to matricide, considering her comments on really not liking her recently I cant see it being any better.

So your question, will it make the situation better or worse? If I had to guess Id say it will pause it, w will feel under investigation and will be so scared of upsetting MIL she will try to avoid seeing me making the excuse its difficult at the moment. Dropoff / pickups for me may be a little more stressful (for w, I couldnt give a damn about her mother otherwise for better or not).

If things get bad s could come to me for a few extended stays but I see w wanting to avoid those for the same reasons.

If, big if, it gets to the point where it boils over w may seek refuge with friends and H.E. days (if MIL doesnt try to attach herself to those. Although w has said for grandparents that have bemoaned their contact with s they have over the past 4 months only ever come round when they knew I had him and indeed when w and s where at MIL only took him out themselves once. This is standard "the world is horrid to me" behaviour from mil and I believe classic narcissist.)

I think I will be her last resort bolt hole.

The $100,000 question is will it prompt w to jump ship and push her to reconciliation talk / run back. You're correct I dont want it that way if its the only reason. It would simply be a matter of time until w started to feel had she given in too easily (especially if mil begins the wounded swan act) and then w will feel trapped between really hurting s by leaving again making working on our piecing extremely difficult.

Much as I want, crave, desire and occasionally flip out (see last week) for her to come back today, this afternoon, how's now for you? If MIL does indeed bog off to the north and w stays here as she has sworn is her intention I think a slower decision would be healthier for any chance we have.

Right now Im trying to stay detatched from it and not offer too many solutions (I only have one viable one and thats hardly likely, hey, come live here, no? ahhh) other than that Im validating, listening (giraffe mode) and trying to help her see the toxicity of some of her mums actions in the light of day.

I internally compare both her fathers and w's actions around MIL as being around a rampaging elephant. They follow behind her apologising, cleaning up the mess and making the excuse "she'll never change" never once thinking that they enable her.

I *think* I gave an answer somewhere in all that waffle RD. Its difficult really. W gives me mixed messages even looking at everything dispassionately she says she's undecided then talks for hours as if she wants to try again, she's said to friends and I've heard via channels she always had her doubts and doesnt want to come back just because its safe, she is chummy and happy with her mum but speaks of her as if she sometimes wishes she would just go away for ever and let her live her own life. Throughout it all she cannot bring herself to just say to her mum this is my life, let me make my own decisions and butt out.

I'm just getting on, looking out for s and if w wants to talk she can come to me. I'm ready to listen.

Cheers