Hi Matt. I'm sorry I'm a bit late to your sitch. And if you have already had all of this said before, my apologies if that is the case.
I am curious about what your gorgeous daughter would like from her parents about HER care/custody arrangement . What would suit her? Has she been able to communicate her ideal arrangement?
Ideally what I would love to see is her calling some of the shots. If she changes her mind at short notice giving one or other(w) the flick, to do something that suits her. That, will be a good day, because she is doing to you what her friends are doing to their parents. She is being a teenager and that is a great thing!
Please don't think because she is cutting and displaying emotional distress she doesn't have her own solution to this issue. I know she does.
Most young people I have worked with around these kind of issues, end up voting with their feet, they start to refuse to do what either parent wants and they do what suits them, and developmentally that is right on track. At her age she has the right and expectation to negotiate with her parents about what works for her. boundaries and guidance from parents of course.
I do however get the impression from you that W is not able/willing to negotiate at this time?
Also how serious is the cutting? This behaviour sits on a continuum...possible attention seeking at one end and at the other possible mental health issue
Cutting is about how she manages her distress and emotions...and from what I know personally and professionally...this behaviour is completely surmountable with the right support and treatment. If she is at the serious end do some reading on DBT it's a therapy that caters for people who cut. There is something called the ice cube technique, where when the person is emotionally overwhelmed and have the desire to cut, they take two ice cubes in each hand and focus on staying in the moment. I have been told that this provides amazing distraction and relief from the urge to cut.
Look when teenagers are in crises and adult behaviour is not helping, I focus on the teen, build their mental toughness and resiliency and encourage them find a safe way to detach from their parents stuff and build their resources elsewhere, a safe adult like an aunt, a friends parent, a teacher. Help your daughter find these people, encourage her to use them. And I talk to them about what lights them up ton the inside, that makes them happy, and we make those things happen more often...it's like GAL. The kids that can do this stabilise in the moment and thrive in the future!
Sorry for the length of this but, when it comes to kids in these situations I get a bit passionate...
Hold hope and let your gorgeous girl know everyday, that no matter what you got her back.
If one person can save a marriage, what why can't One parent save their kid.
