Gan,

When I always asked H, face to face or in conversations (early on) about working on things, reconciliation, it was always met with no, this is over, I don't have energy for this. Etc, so forth.

Back in January, when we were "working" on things - I didn't outright ask him to work on things. I think I told him that I would only do the things he was suggesting (getting together, conversing more) if we were doing it with the understanding that we were at least trying to figure things out, whatever they may be (note the ambiguous terminology). He agreed. However, when he was busted on Tinder, and I directly asked and got the I'm not working on this and then as you remember, his mommy tried to break up with me for him.

What HAS worked for me -- I re-read the section on depressed spouses in DR and it recommended communication via letters. Right after I filed separation papers, I had a nasty fight with H. A few days later I said, "to hell with it" and wrote him a letter. Told him that if this was he wanted, I wasn't going to stand in his way, but it wasn't what I wanted. That I had serious concerns for his health and depression and would at least like the opportunity for us to talk face to face, and maybe one day see what happens.

Since I've written that letter? H hasn't responded to the separation papers (I'm not reading anything into that, though, but it has been 2 months since his deadline to respond), has initiated some conversations with me, opened up about his health, and recently took some really big steps for working on himself and in turn, possibly our relationship.

I've found that he's more receptive to letters/emails where he can take his time and think about things. When he feels pressure, he gets anxiety and panics. This has always been a trait with him, but has escalated since BD. I attribute the steps he's taken because of giving him said letter and (for the most part) backing off.

So, long story short. Once I stopped wanting answers right then and there and pressing H for them, I stopped hearing that I was getting Divorced, and I started seeing him taking steps to work on himself.

Will it pay off in the long run? I don't know. My M is dead, but the priority right now isn't to revive my M, but to assist my H getting healthy in any way he can.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15