I'm sorry the meeting didn't go as you hoped. To me, H still sounds rather confused. He made a New Year's resolution to have a better R with you (so it clearly mattered to him that recently) but he can't really define what that means. And he doesn't want to meet up more often. Does he just want a better R with you as an ex? IDK....
Also - he's got a lot to think about. What's there to think about, if he has already decided to file for D? He sounds a bit like my H, Gan. A nice guy, who finds it hard to say things and be straight. He may well still be rather foggy IMHO. And I do wonder if there may have been someone in the wings at BD - judging by his No and then stare reaction. Did that seem a bit odd to you?
I agree with Jim, in that there's no great need to do anything right now. You S last June and he may (or may not?) file this June. What's the harm in living your life as you have been (note: living not waiting) for a few months to see how you feel? Your M matters to you and maybe it deserves a year in that case? You say that NC hasn't worked, but it doesn't sound like more contact is an option right now as I think you need to respect his wish here.
I understand what you're saying about the hurt. I've also felt that in my sitch. Sad that my H became unhappy 'on my watch.' But I would balance that with the responsibility we all have for our own happiness. Don't take on all the responsibility for that yourself. There is much that he could do/have done in terms of communication and self-improvement.
You did pursue and pushed for an answer. I can understand that. I think often when we do this, we get an answer that we don't want to hear. From what you describe, I get a picture of you pressing to know where things stand. And your H struggling to be decisive, specific and assertive...
Anyway, just my thoughts Gan. As Jim says - give yourself some time to process and think. You may feel close to being done. But sitches come back from worse places than this, and I wouldn't think you were bonkers if you decided to carry on for a while yet.
Take Care x (((Gan)))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
