Getting back to me

[mustardseed]

I might need to make an appointment with a dr if it doesn't get better. I can usually talk myself out of stressful situations. The problem is that my job is the problem. Right now my job is the turmoil.

I'm a first year special education teacher who was given a class that started a few months into the school year. It is made up of students from different classes and different grade levels--mostly behaviors but the one silver lining of all of this is that most of the behaviors have greatly improved since the class began. These kids came a long way in that area, but the academics are where I am struggling and that is a big deal. It is making everything else fall apart. My planning is the worst part of it because I just don't have the time, and it is also not my strong suit. I realize now that I am better at troubleshooting then planning. I think that is why I enjoyed being an assistant working with students with various behavior struggles. As the teacher I have to leave that up to the assistants and it is hard for me to not get involved. But when I get involved the rest of the class falls apart.

The class was put together very quickly and I wasn't prepared for how it was all going to work. 5 months later I feel like every few weeks I am given suggestions that kind of throws everything off-kilter. There was a vision for how this class should run, and I an unable to make it happen. The challenge of trying to get it right has made me drop the ball on even the simplest tasks. And the fact that I come home to my own children with their own needs and their own turmoil in our current situation makes me feel like there is not one area of my life that I can do well right now.

I have a bunch of assistants who are all certified teachers and I feel judged by them. I am pretty sure two of them went to the principal to complain about me, and I am sure they have valid reasons but I wish they would have come to me first. The whole situation is such a mess. I'm falling apart and it is written all over my face. My principal gave me the heads up that my contract will probably not be renewed. She feels awful. She knows my current situation we discussed how this position came at both the right time and the wrong time. She said that if I didn't have children having such a challenging job probably would have been the perfect distraction for me. But because there is so much going on at home, I just don't have the time to devote to getting this job done right. She is wonderful and I hate that I let her down, but part of me is relieved about it. The other part is dreading the next 3 months. Because I know I can't do it the way it needs to be done. I have meetings with parents coming up that has me in a panic. I am dreading planning the lessons because I know that I can't get it right. The best I can do is what I tried in the past, which wasn't what they want.

I have learned a lot about myself in all of this, though. I learned that teaching is not for me. I like working with the kids 1 on 1 or 2 on one. I like dealing with behavior strategies and positive discipline. I like working with the autistic population doing ABA and discrete trials. I don't enjoy planning and I'm not very good at it. I am much better as a troubleshooter. I like being in the moment. I'd rather react to situations that need to be dealt with then to plan out some scary unknown future. I like coming up with plans, but they are plans to help navigate the unexpected rather than plans to road map a certain situation before it happens. I think that is why my work anxiety level is always higher during school breaks and weekends. When I am in the moment I am just reacting. When I am thinking about what will happen I am panicked.

Maybe that is also why in my current marital situation I am still hanging around. Right now I am not trying to save my marriage, but I am also not moving to end it. The problem is the H is very much the same as me. Limbo might be our status quo for a long time coming until something major changes. Maybe losing my job is the major change?