So, I am new to the forum but I have had my first session which hasn't been so bad. Sorry for length!
Background is important and here is mine. My husband and I have been married for over 12 years (married in 2003). We dated for 3.5 before getting married so we have known each other for over 15 years.
My first relationship in life was all about finding someone to make me feel loved. I had an abusive mother who was divorced twice. I found that in a loser I met while working as a waitress in high school which was my second job. My first job was in a nursing home as a certified nursing assistant. I loved the people but when I lost my first patient that I was really close to, I was devastated and realized this job was not for me. That was my junior year in high school after being a CNA for almost two years.
Anyway, out of this relationship I have a 16 year old daughter who my husband has known since she was a little over a year old. He has been great stepping up to the plate and providing for her. In 2004, hubby and I decided that it would be okay financially if I quit my full-time job at Dell and went to college full-time.
I started college in 2004 and graduated in 2006 with my BS degree in Computer Science. I had absolutely no credits whatsoever and it was quite a feat to finish a four year degree in less than 2 years. I got a part time job at Home Depot to pay for books and everyday incidentals like gas and my car payment and I worked 20 hours a week on campus for my work study money. I also was taking 16 credits in the summer at a minimum and over 20 credits in the fall and spring semesters. My final semester before graduating was 24 credit hours, an internship, 20 hours a week for work study, a 30-35 hours a week at home depot... To say the least I had almost no time at all.
It was in 2006 just before I graduated that I found out my husband had been talking to an ex-girlfriend. When I wanted to confront her because my husband said that nothing was going on he threatened to leave me. I called her anyway. Come to find out he was planning a trip from TN to CA to meet up with her and spend some one-on-one time... All of a sudden, his request to take a trip to see his brother in CA for the salmon run in September made so much more sense because he had never shown that much interest in going before.
He says the emotional affair ended. But I know he continued to talk to her even after that. Not often, but at least 4-6 times a year and his last trip by himself to CA (2013) was to see her get married. He lied about the real reason for the trip and came back talking about divorce but that he watched them take their vows and it gave him renewed hope for us.
Then again in 2009, I found him hiding his phone again, deleting texts, and being covert. I thought he had started up his relationship with Ms. CA only to find out he was talking to the bank tellar who was also married. Supposedly all their conversations were about how bad their marriages were and what they should do to fix it.
In 2009, I decided enough was enough and I needed to make more money so that if I left I would be able to afford all the bills at our home and be there for my kids. So I quit my job as a lead systems analyst and took an IT directors position at another university. I worked constantly. Some because the university was just in need of a major overhaul. They completed cleared out the department and I had to start with hiring upon my arrival and the infrastructure was ages old. And some of it was because i had less and less desire to be home. Not because I didn't want to be with the kids but because the relationship between my husband and I was so bad that all we could do is fight and argue. And after two emotional affairs (still not sure if they were ever physical but I believe they may have both been CA trips by himself happened every year from 2008 until 2013 and the other was local...), I just didn't want anything to do with my husband.
I also found out during this time that I had endometriosis and was in so much pain. When I finally got a semi-diagnosis, I told my husband that I needed to have surgery and he said we couldn't afford it when I new that we could (we had a lot of money stashed away in a checking account and in mutual funds, etc he would just have to put investments on hold for a few months to save up for the surgery or just take it out of the $30,000 he had stashed away in that checking account). It took me two years to finally convince him that I needed this surgery. In those two years, I really stopped doing everything. Mainly because of the lack of caring from my husband who I felt was now ignoring my physical needs as well as my emotional needs but because the pain was just so much that I couldn't bear to stand, walk, sit, lay, run, anything. I just hurt constantly. There were times when the pain was manageable and times when it was so bad that I couldn't even get out of bed.
I stopped helping around the house, I gave up marathon running, I stopped coming home, I just stopped everything. I finally got away from the job that required me to work non-stop in 2013 and started a much better job that allowed me to have normal hours and still get paid what I was making. But I still had not had my surgery until December 2013. After that, things just started looking up for me. No pain, meant i was feeling better but by then my marriage was in shambles. The fighting was just getting worse and no matter what I did or tried to do I was stuck in this paradox. I was over 50 pounds heavier than the day we met and were married, I was emotionally battered by the emotional affairs, and then the arguing consisted of even more negative words and I was called dang near everything but a white woman.
I was trying to spend more time at home, I was trying to lose weight, I was trying... But by then the emotional abuse during the arguing was getting so bad that my self esteem was nil. I felt worthless and just not good enough, like no matter what I did it would never be good enough. Until one night we got into an argument that i was afraid he would actually hit me. Two days later the argument is still going strong and I head to the home depot, I bought locks for the house came home and changed the locks and house and kicked him out. I didn't want my marriage to be over but I couldn't live like this anymore either.
He left, I cried. I was the one who kicked him out and yet I was begging him to come back just two short days later. Looking back now after two months being separated, I am glad that he hasn't. The first month I did all the wrong things begging, pleading, negotiation, etc. The second month, I am starting to find myself again. I started watching what I eat, exercising, and doing things to make me feel better but I was still demanding answers about him being on the same page about reconciling our marriage and began working doing nice things for him instead.
None of those are working... Well, maybe the meals he has been using manners a lot more lately, please/thank you. However, I did have the opportunity for a 180 moment. Husband traded in his 2012 GMS Sierra that was completely paid for truck that was not. I told him while he was doing it that I didn't think it was a good idea and Ithat I hoped he would take my opinion into account. He never said he bought the truck until I went to deliver his breakfast, lunch, and dinner to him the next day and there sat his spiffy new truck. I was furious. I calmly gave him his food and bid him a good day and then later that morning sent him a text. I told him that he has never made a financial decision that has detrimentally impacted this family and so I know that he wouldn’t have made this decision unless he knew full well that the expense was manageable and that I really hoped he was enjoying his new truck. I was still mad about the purchase though. I really didn’t let go of that anger until several days later that is until after I talked to my DB coach and a male colleague at work that I trust who basically told me that he doubted he did it to piss me off it was more about making him feel good. And right now he doesn’t really feel good about himself so the truck was his way of buying that feel good sensation. He may even already have realized it isn’t going to make him happy and is regretting the decision, or maybe not but either way you can’t change it so just let it go.
Hubby has turned down meals every single day since that day. I think he just wants to be left alone. He has been to see two lawyers. I finally went to one and asked for legal advice on the situation. I am more prepared if the worst happens but I have no intention of being the one to file.
My DB coach said I need to go dark. Be nice, cordial, but don’t be the first to make contact. The first couple of days after my session, I didn’t really follow that advice. I was still trying to show my husband that I had changed by sending him daily updates about my exercise progress, progress in the yard. Yeah, that is another one. He took the riding mower, weed eater, and dang near every lawn and garden too we had to our lake house where he is staying leaving me with no way of caring for 5 acres and a huge Japanese garden. So, every time I accomplished something cleaning out a bed, mowing a section of the yard (PUSH MOWING, I went and a bought a push mower…) I would send him and update with a pic. I stopped all contact Sunday. I asked him if he would like to take the kids two nights a week and continue to share the weekends (every other or there about) and after that I went “dark”. Nothing…. Nada… No text. No picture… No nothing. I’m using the walk away spouse technique, hopefully. I want him to initiate contact and then continue to play it cool. I want him to ask me out on a date. I’ll probably accept the first time with no problems but then as he asks more I may have other plans as the book suggests.
But for the life of me, I still keep looking at my phone constantly and when the darn thing goes off I get my hopes up that it is him. I’m ready to smash it because it isn’t doing what I want and because it is hard to resist the temptation of contacting him. I want reconciliation and he just wants out. Right now I think he is hoping to wait me out because I told him flat out it would be a contested divorce (so far lawyers hate dealing with those and I think that is why he hasn’t actually filed yet). So what in the heck do you do when you have gone dark and you have to fight yourself constantly to not make contact. AND tonight is going to be the absolute worst. He is picking up both daughter and son (6 years old) and taking them to spend the night at the lake house (his house). So, it is going to be quiet… TOO QUIET… I have things to do around the house at first but at some point even that gets done and then there is nothing left to do to stay active and that is when the worst of this challenge will begin.
Lord give me strength. I am finding my self-esteem again because I am not hearing the worst insults available to man because he isn’t around to argue with and I’ve dropped 16 pounds with healthy clean eating and exercise. Now I just need to lure my husband back into the fold and get him engaged in our relationship again. Hopefully the ginormous cost of DB coaching will pay off and if not then at least learning to live as a single parent will give me a leg up before the gavel falls. Maybe if I can’t save this marriage on my own we can at least be friends and give our kids a united front that will continue to allow them to grow as individuals. I’m really praying for the reconciliation but I’m starting to do what I need to do for myself and for my kids. I still need lots of help and support though to get me through this DB.
