Getting back to me

[mustardseed]

My anxiety right now is beyond anything I have ever experienced in my life. Part of me is saying I should just quit my job. I am on vacation right now but I have a lot of work to do and feel absolutely paralyzed about getting it done. Every time I sit down to start my heart starts racing. Knowing that I am failing, and knowing that I don't have what it takes to make it work the way it needs to work makes me just want to throw up my hands and give up.

How do I get myself to muddle through? At first I keep telling myself, just do what you know how to do. Accept that it isn't what they want, but at least it will get your through the first few weeks back. Talking myself down of the cliff this way helps me to to get started, but as soon as I get started the anxieties start creeping back and I end up procrastinating. Finding other things to do, like cleaning the fridge or taking my dog for a walk. H has been in and out and I feel so judged by him.

I'm just full of shame and panic. And even the easy things are getting to be really hard for me. I can't tell if part of this is because I am not at work, so the problems feel bigger than they would if I was at least busy and in the throws of it rather than planning for it. Planning has never been a strong suit of mine. Part of why I am struggling so hard in this position. Planning is a huge piece. And in this particular position it is even bigger than in a typical situation. I know now I was really the wrong person for this job, and not only that it was probably the worse time.

I keep saying, I should just quit. That will ease my stress immediately. However, there are a ton of reasons why I need to stick it out. Financial reasons being only one of them. The other being that even if I am not doing a good job, they will be in an even bigger lurch if I leave now. I can't do that to them. They were good to me. I really wish they would just let me go, but I don't think they can because I am contracted until June. If I can stick it out until June I will be able to save enough to feel ok for a few months. I will be able to collect unemployment when it is done. And I will know that I have insurance at least until then.

Every logical solution requires me to stay, but this illogical and paralyzing feeling of anxiety is telling me to just end it now, and deal with the problems it causes when they come.

What can I do to help me survive these feelings? They are so new to me. I feel on the verge of a stroke or a heart attack. It is odd because I remember H feeling this way in the past. I never quite got it. I have a new sense of respect and understanding for him right now.