The race went great on Sunday. My leg was 6 miles and I did it at an 8:30 pace. Not bad for a broken-down fortysomething
I still think W is trying. She still gets panicky. I screwed up during an R talk on Saturday; it was otherwise productive until I lost my head and made a dig at OM. We weren't specifically talking about OM, but I slipped and made what I considered a minor dig. I didn't call him predator, douchebag, or bullet trap, as I have in the past. Instead I made fun of his goatee. It was childish and I felt bad, but she went apesh*t. We got things back on track but I dropped the ball there. I know better than to talk about him and I never initiate talk about him, because I know how rapidly I spiral.
Yesterday was good. We had an epiphany in MC; we were talking about family upbringing and it came up that my family conditioned me to be polite and hers conditioned her to be loyal. My conditioning interfered with my ability to protect her against my toxic parents. She felt I was disloyal (rightfully so) when I thought I was just trying to keep peace.
My Dad sent me an email telling me they were coming up to Arkansas in a couple of weeks. I haven't communicated much with them since before Christmas. I had no intention of seeing them; so I had just ignored the email for several days. The therapist advised me to go ahead and answer them as a way of showing my W that I was no longer an avoider and that I was willing to confront them when necessary. My homework was to answer them within 24 hours. Didn't need that much time. As soon as I got back to my desk I answered back with a terse "I'm not available that week". My dad, apparently not getting the message, asked me when I was available. My answer:
How about not for the foreseeable future?
I've apparently been unclear. My marriage is hanging by a thread and hold both of you partially responsible.
When I get my marriage and my life out of the weeds I'll consider meeting with you. No discussion, no debate. Back off.
W was grateful that I had done that. She knows how hard it would have been for me to be that honest with them a couple of years ago. Hopefully it was a step in rebuilding her trust in me. Sounds funny that I'm worried about her trusting me, but the reality is that I did things to damage that trust long before OM showed up. That's part of cleaning up my side of the MR.
To end the night I led a family meeting about W's upcoming surgery and what needs to happen during her recovery, vis a vis my spoiled Ds need to not whine about going places and spending money, and need to pull their weight around the house. They're really pretty good about it, but they need to understand that W will not be able to drive them places a the drop of a hat for a while. I know W is starting to feel anxiety about her surgery and the recovery. Apparently there will be some significant pain involved, and it will temporarily take away her two biggest stress relievers...work and exercise. She'll have a lot of time to sit and think and that tends to be dangerous for her. That's usually when she panics.
I felt like we were a team, for the first time in a while. I think she did too. Maybe a piece or two of the wall came down. Who knows?
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
They're really pretty good about it, but they need to understand that W will not be able to drive them places a the drop of a hat for a while. I know W is starting to feel anxiety about her surgery and the recovery. Apparently there will be some significant pain involved, and it will temporarily take away her two biggest stress relievers...work and exercise. She'll have a lot of time to sit and think and that tends to be dangerous for her. That's usually when she panics.