Oh, I did tell her that. She comes back with you can't change - its who you are. See, her childhood and all has built up these "trust walls" that are so hard to break through.
Oct, this is one area you're going to have to go with us on. Less tell, more show. It's not enough to say stuff. You have to leave the words stuffed down inside and just make a plan to DO. It may take quite awhile for her to take a step back and realize that the dynamic has changed. Or then again, you may get the opportunity to have a conversation about it long after the changes take place.
This means that you don't look for affirmation at what you choose to do to change. You just DO. It's like the definition of a hero. A hero is someone who does something extraordinary when nobody is looking. I might have read that on a bathroom wall somewhere...
It takes time to turn that boat around. So do what you did as a kid on your bike - when you skid, skid IN to the slide. Let her express her issues without judging and use your validation skills. Wonka has a thread here that you should read to help you understand how and when to do this.
Her trust issues are something she has to work out for herself. If she wants to heal that wound. I also have trust issues. Yet... I also want an intimate relationship with a man again. Intimacy can only be present where there is trust. The onus is on me to manage my expectations and build those moments. If it's not there, I have to enforce MY boundaries by letting go of people I don't trust.
The only thing you can do is to tackle that list of gripes she has about you. Sit down, make that list and then add a column for examples where the character flaw has hurt you and others. Don't do this to create a tool to flog yourself with. But use it as an illustration of what you could do instead. Learn how to make good choices by working on your patience and compassion. Learn how to build in time to react less and weigh out consequences. Give others the benefit of the doubt. And actively work on forgiving others and yourself.
None of this is easy. And it might not reconcile your current M. But she'd be nuts to think that there is someone else out there who would be more willing to change when their back is pinned against the wall. Use this as your time to grow and grow up. We've all done this work, and you can too.
Oct 2.0 can be a much improved version of Oct.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
