Being deceived by WAW, in need of some coaching

[skr4luv]

I want to take care of them because I love my kids and I want to
be there for them in this difficult situation. But I'm not sure if I can handle it right away, without a proper healing.
As you said I need to focus on myself to be happy.
I believe for me to be happy and move forward I need this time out to get back up.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding what you are saying. What kind of time do you think you need away in orer to heal? I get taking a week or a weekend to refresh and get in a better mindset. My concern is that you are planning to leave for a much longer amount of time. IMO, that is showing your children that when things get tough you won't be there when they need you. Is that really what you want them to remember about this ugly time in your M?

No, i was thinking 2-3 months. We moved here in 2010. Unlike my
W, I had a harder time adjusting to this. I know I had to change my attitude and I did a year or so ago. But the fact remains that I have a lot of friends and relatives in the old country that can help me get through this. There are also plently of opportunities to detach and GAL. Lots of things that would help me get through this letting go process.
But here I'm basically alone.
I mean, I did meet new friends here, but I don't have a really
deep connection with any of them. All I do is work and after
that I'm too tired to do anything else.

I have a very good relationship with my sons, especially S8.
If I tell them I need some time to heal and I promise I will
be back to take care of them, I really believe they will
understand.

I'm still torn about this plan though.

The thing is, her actions and attitude is telling me she's got at least one foot back in the M.
If there's a part of her who wants to save it and I do too, then I shouldn't let her go just yet.

There isn't a lot of motivation for her to change when she can keep one foot with you and one foot with the OM. All this does is show her you are a suitable backup plan if things don't work out with him.

DB'ing is very counterintuitive. Often what feels right to you is what pushes your S further out the door. It's about changing yourself, not your S. Usually your S does change also, but you have to be strong enough to do it first. Do the hard work and you'll reap the benefits whether your M survives or not.

Ok, so regarding the change I need to do.
Pre Affair, I would usually come home late, drained from work.
Not much energy to communicate with my W or do much around the
house. Those are things she mentioned before she admitted she
had an A.
I've improved on those things. Not for her but also for me.

When she doesn't prove she can be 100% faithful I will go
dark and detach, but for that to have the desired effect,
I think I should first show her the opposite.

I think when I move out, there's a slight chance she will miss me around the house and she may come to her senses and attempt to reconcile for good.

Nothing you do or say will force her to come to her senses. You cannot control her. She will come to her own conclusions. The more you let go and show her that you are not waiting around to be her Plan B, the more she will miss you. You have to show her through action that you are a man only a fool would leave. She has to truly feel like you are moving on with your life, with or without her. Have you read Sandi2's recent threads in Newcomers? They are filled with lots of good insight into a WAW and what needs to happen before true reconciliation is possible.

Yes, I've been following Sandi's new threads and it has been very helpful to understand the wayward state of mind.

But if she moves out, she'll probably live out her teenage life style. I don't see the romance between them to wear off anytime soon. It will. But not soon enough.
Therefore making any chances of us reconciling a lot more
slimmer.

You cannot control how long the A lasts. Most have to run their own course. Right now she's living in fantasy land. The fog has to lift and reality had to set in before she will choose to work on the M. That will not be on your timeline.

Honestly, if the A is not something you feel you can ever forgive, you should let her go. You will both be miserable if you don't.

I'm able to forgive her for what happened in the past.
But I don't know if I can still forgive her if she continues.
Because we reached a point where I agreed to separate
and she was to one who asked for another chance.
Obviously I let her back too easily, as it was discussed
in Sandi's thread.
The texting bothers me but if I find out she went to his
place again where they obviously have sex... then I'm going to
initiate separation talks.