hold on! - 8

[u-turn]

Thanks Starsky & Georgiabelle - I think maybe the money for this could go to IC for me and hopefully for W.

All along or at least early in my sitch she has said that we need to work on ourselves before we can work on our marriage. This was and is true (clear statement of what DB is all about too) and pre-db I was skeptical of this concept - I just wanted it all back. But I feel that her position and my position have swapped now (she wants to fix M and not work on herself) and I have a hard time believing her "changes"

Caliguy - started on the same day - does that make us twins? Thanks for your support. I've come to realize that I am truly unhappy with the way my life with her has become and not just upset about the cheating and lying. I do not want to continue this way with her and would rather end it all with her than continue feeling like this. I feel that any compromise would just eat further at me. makes me less me (if this makes any sense at all).

As I twist: I didn't go with W & D15 last night to wherever they were going. I told her that I had plans - this is completely not what I would normally do (I also didn't really have plans except to not go with her).

She texted me later "why are you unhappy?"

Why am I unhappy? You have no idea? She's trying to get me to open up to her again - seemingly not to fight, she seems to want to help me. She keeps saying that.

I did respond "I don't like any of this but don't know how to change it - I am unhappy with all of it." (probably weak statement from me)

today she asked again to talk (text), I did respond to her:
I am unhappy with us
I am unhappy with you
I am unhappy with me

w: all things we know and need to work on.

me: I am worried that I am not going to be able to make it back from this (maybe that was cryptic and didn't make sense)

she asked if I am suicidal. (I don't know why she would get this feeling - I don't share these thoughts with her (aside from the one time))

She wants to talk tonight and perhaps journal our daily thoughts to each other and share this with each other.

I don't know what to think of this - is this more manipulation or trying to get into my mind more? or Does she really care?

Thoughts about this journal?

For a year I've been hoping for a change and for her to open up to me and share her feelings (pre-db I was the one who was sharing my feelings and asking her to do this to)(since db, I have shut down sharing my feelings and I have really gotten used to this - I am not completely comfortable opening myself up to her because I don't feel safe with her having this information).

I don't really know how to put this, but I am a little confused by this change.