Where to begin?

[Cadet]

Good luck

Take a deep breath and lower your expectations for this meeting.
It is not going to save or ruin your marriage.
I hate to say this but marriage counseling in this
scenario is normally not all that productive.

I hope you have a pro-marriage counselor.

Sometimes the WAS just uses the session to justify what they have already decided in their mind.
And they are using the session to convince you of the same thing.

Suggestion number #1 is to try to calm yourself.

Let us know how it goes.

[Underdog]

Hey Oct,

Great advice here.

As a child, she went through things that no child should ever endure - and enough for several children. Deep trust issues, etc.

This jumped out at me - because most (if not all) of us bring unhealed childhood wounds into our adult relationships. I think more often than not, they are time bombs waiting to explode until push meets shove. Some people just want the hurt to go away so badly that they keep running at all cost. Their lives are littered with collateral damage and proof that they think it's too hard to figure out the real underlying issues and resolve the hurts.

Regardless, I think the adage you have twice as many ears as you do a mouth is a good rule of thumb when you get into your meeting. Listening will give you an idea where she is. Try not to prepare a defense - really HEAR her. Paraphrase and repeat back to her because that will force you to stay with her. Sometimes I cringe when someone replays something I said back the way they understand it. It forces me to take a step back and word things differently - especially if they contain emotions.

Good luck.
Betsey

[sgctxok]

You've got it and what Cadet said is true. You can probably count on the fact that she IS going in with her mind made up and she probably WILL use whatever you say. So say little and listen.

This might be kind of a little shock and awe--if you give her nothing to fight against. (What you resist persists.)

Really spend time with understanding what her dissatisfaction is. Sit with it and read Michele's book in light of what your wife has said. Since she might not be talking with the mindset of you really understanding so you can get back together, you can be pretty sure she may say there is little or no hope and that in no way means that is the truth. It is fortune-telling at best.

So listen with an ear to understand what her stereotype of you and your situation is...not every little flaw. And then you work on a 180 to change her perception of you.

Focus on the good. What you focus on expands.


I believe in you, I really believe you've got this.

[Dawgs]

First, thank all of you for the solid advice! I wish that I had found this site much, much earlier.

So, I really don't know what to take of yesterday's meeting. She wasn't attacking or anything of the like - that really isn't in her nature. When subject of change came up and he asked her what I needed to change - she brought out her list of my good and bad (she is a very detail-oriented person). And yes, the bad stuff came out - the worst of it centered around the grudge/pissing match between her sister and I.

So, before I started seeing my own counselor, I wrote the sister a letter asking for forgiveness. I did it, I realize, to not only try to clear this between us, but also to maybe forgive my own self for holding a grudge. There was never any intention of doing it for my wife - it was all to help me with my own issues.

As I said, I have been seeing my own counselor to deal with my own issues. It seems that the statement of childhhood stuff does carry over into adulthood is true. Learned some stuff that I didn't want to see - after all, what guy wants to admit that his mom is the root of it?

So, her telling me she wanted a divorce was an eye-opening and soul searching event for me. Its as if it made me do a 180 because I came to the realization that I didn't like what I had become and I don't want to be that anymore. One of the things that she has said is that she is afraid that I will revert back to the old ways. I hate those old ways - but, and partly due to that childhood of hers, she doesn't believe that I can change - in fact, her words yesterday when that topic was brought up was "I feel that he is making these changes because his back is pinned to the wall." What I wanted to tell her is that all of this made me see a lot of things in myself that I don't like and I am working on myself to become a better man.

So, back to yesterday's session. The therapist walked on both sides of the fence - when he learned of the letter to the sister he said that could be one of the things that saves this marraige; yet, at the same time he said to her that he doesn't know if it can be saved - that it is totally up to her forgive.

The therapits told her that she has to look into herself and see if she can forgive for all of it. And her main statement was - "I feel that he didn't love me enough to help me when I needed it. Now I feel that he is just doing this because his back is against the wall." It seems that those two things are the roadblock...

I don't know if this was a good first step or not. What do ya'll think?

[Dawgs]

We went out to dinner after the session and talked about everything under the sun, including the session. She said that she was doing it for us and not just to try to stay together for the kids.

Later last night, she came and sat by me on the floor while we watched one of our favorite shows - she sat close enough so that I could have easily rubbed her back without even stretching my arm.

Any take on this?

[Cadet]

We went out to dinner after the session and talked about everything under the sun, including the session. She said that she was doing it for us and not just to try to stay together for the kids.

Later last night, she came and sat by me on the floor while we watched one of our favorite shows - she sat close enough so that I could have easily rubbed her back without even stretching my arm.

Any take on this?

Testing you to see if your changes are real.

[Dawgs]

How so, last night?

[Cadet]

So, I gave her space and not contacted her during her little away trip, and she ended up contacting me a fair bit - and called twice yesterday: once to see how things were, and the other to berate me over something her mom said.

How about this one?

[Dawgs]

How about this one?

Oh, sorry for being a little slow! Sometimes it takes that hammer, you know...

So, what you are saying is that she is seeing if I have changed by not doing the bad things, but instead acting in the new/improved way?

You know, in the session, she asked the therapist if forgiveness could really be given if she would "almost be waiting to pounce at a slip up." I think that is another of those hurdles...

Thank you for talking with me and helping me make sense of it all.

[Cherry]

This all sounds pretty positive to me (I'm new myself so not too great at the advise). You're doing well by focussing on you. Have you read DR? I'm reading that right now, and the positivity and the advise is fab.
Your situation is quite similar to mine. We had a baby very soon and I'm thinking that h is jealous and feeling neglected by me. This is a tough tough time.
I honestly believe you have this though. Wishing you the best 😊