Hurt, I had this experience. After ending her A, my wife went through withdrawal. It was painful for me to have to help her get over her AP, but I had to be her support. Like your wife, my wife flat out told me that she wasn't sure that she would ever be "in love" with me again, and the thought of intimacy with me was repulsive to her (again, hard for me to swallow). One thing that I had going for me was that my wife committed to no contact with the OM and made herself transparent (as Sandy did). She told me that she had to actively push away thoughts of the OM and intentionally think about me and our family and how she should be grateful. Some days she would be in tears missing her old "friendship" with the OM. Those were hard days, with me holding her and comforting her, all the while feeling angry at the universe inside.
In my case, knowing that the A was over- and having his W's email and phone number in case there was a relapse (I had told her of the A), allowed me to work on my marriage full force. I talked to her several times a day, texted with her and we went on dates. I NEVER brought up her A. If you want to reconcile, you must put that behind you. I dated my wife. I asked questions to find out who she was- just like you would on any date. I courted her. Slowly- and I mean slowly- she started coming around. She started to like me again. Then she started to feel moments of deeper feelings (which would come and go). We didn't ML for 6 months. In other words, it took 6 months of me being a great, attentive, exciting husband and companion before my wife wasn't turned off by the thought of S with me (and at the risk of sounding like an egomaniac, I'm a good looking, in shape guy).
Stop looking for quick fixes. I wanted S with my wife (I'm a man!), but I knew that more than S, I wanted to have a new, different, marriage with my W and the 6 months let us get close again. You and your wife will need to get on the same page with your marriage philosophies soon. You will both have to agree that the old M is over, and come up with a plan to create a new, better, marriage where you both meet each other's emotional needs intentionally- every day.
Now you know MY story. Yours will be different, but you have my insight. You have also heard from Sandi, Starsky and others who are trying to get this to sink in your head. Stop repeating your questions trying to get different answers. If you are acting in your M like you post on here, it's not very attractive. I don't say that to hurt your feelings, I just want you to see yourself for a moment so that you can affect change in your life.
If the A is over, and your wife is in withdrawal, then I suggest you follow the path that those of us that have recovered have set before you. You can't be all over the place. Your W is in emotional turmoil- you can't be too. As hard as it is, someone-and that's you- has to be strong and guide the marriage relationship to calm waters.
If your W is still in an A, well, that's different. -HS
