Yay, one full cycle of acceptance today, one more closer to detached and walking my own path. Had a good cry in the work restroom. A good cry is important bc it opens the gateway for anger, which is purifying. And then there was a lot of wonderment and now having out-loud processed a bunch of that, swimming in acceptance. Enjoying my moments before sleep and feeling whole.
I prodded H on the matter of the need and got back very neutral confirmation he'd do it this week. I was unmoved by his text. Progress.
Got some interesting insight into what he is telling ppl. I'll write about it later, but the emotion is not, oh I see, I could have done better...it is a cringe and a wish him well sort of feeling.
H is either in denial, and writing a script he can live with. Or fell out of romantic love with me. Or certainly has all signs of BPD and is equally let down by everyone else in his life. Or some combo. Not my problems to fix! I hope he will someday look at himself before he wastes more of his own time and breaks another heart. Kindest wish I could possibly have for him.
But I am free, and getting close to being done with grieving, I feel that. I'm sure I have more days snd cycles in me, but I'm the one in charge of my mental hygiene and will not create any more useless ruts to roll around in than I can help.
Was relieved to hear my IC say she thought codependency wasn't my thing - fixing old patterns yes, but she never saw me have trouble standing on my own or embracing his nonsense. She said the opposite. I was addicted trying to get him to fight his own defeating thoughts, behaviors and I was overly hopeful of change. If anything, she said, she saw a man with those codependent behaviors that focused on me and came to resent me for it and blame me for everything.
Guilty for the false hopes and dragging him down the path all those years, but I won't make that mistake again.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
