WAH - gone almost 1 year, still so hard.

[Mozza]

stacey9 - I'm glad f it gives you something to think about. In fact, I believe that's the best thing we can get from these boards.

Let me clarify something: it's not about doing lots of things, it's not even about doing new things, it's about doing things you love.

What I'm talking about is fun but it's not easy. In fact, my IC told me that few people ever think about it, even those who go through a crisis like ours. You shouldn't think about "What did I like yesterday?", you should dig deep down and find your self.

Here's a personal example. Over time, I've compromised with my W to decorate our houses and apartments. I like her style (vintage, artsy) and continued to apply it after she was gone. Yesterday, I went to the Museum of Modern Art and I "remembered" that I love modern art. I saw an abstract painting that I wanted on my wall a long time ago, but had forgotten about it. I had an idea of an installation in my living room and now I'm excited about it. So, you see, I went from "I love vintage and artsy, just look around me." to "Actually my natural inclination is towards modern art." Until yesterday, six months after BD, I hadn't even realized what I really like.

But now, imagine the thrill of putting up this installation on my wall. This is me! I'll come back home, look at my wall and just feel great about it, knowing it's really, really me. Even if no one likes it, I'll be super excited, not just pleased.

This is what it's about: being excited about your life.

That's why I'm talking about permissions. When you explore what you like, you should have little moments of "Wait, can I... can I do this now??"

If you really want to live in the country, the idea that your H is moving to a big city will sound boring to you. If you love Dutch painters from the 16th century, hearing that he bought a Jackson Pollock will sound wasteful to you. If you're doing the things you love, there's nothing that he does that will affect you. That's why I suggest that all that he does affect you so much because you're not really doing what you love right now.

This is not to say that you shouldn't challenge yourself to try new things. The two are compatible. I've a secret GAL plan that I refuse to mention to anyone until I've done it because it's new and it scares me and I'm afraid to replace the act with all talk. But it's a plan that's been on the back of my mind for some 20 years.

Why not think about it for a few hours or days and then give us a list of five FUN things that you'd like to do? Any city you'd like to visit? Art endeavor? Theme party you'd like to host? OK, I don't want to anchor your thinking: the page is blank and yours!
___________________

You and this handsome man already have open communications because you've told him about your situation and he's been clear about his interest. My suggestion is that you tell him exactly what you've told us and take it from there.