Trying to Follow DB & DR

[25yearsmlc]

So one of the things I've been doing is going to IC. I mentioned the DB/DR books to my IC and he wasn't familiar with them. I talked about several of the techniques with him and while he was on board with most of them he had a problem with the LRT. He mentioned that instead of stopping interactions (phone calls, texts) that instead I should look at them less as "strategic" interactions and more like "authentic" interactions.


To me, this^^^ is a great example of an IC getting the DB ways faster than you seem to be getting them (no offense).

What he's saying, I THINK, is that you should be authentic, whereas you seem to be looking for "techniques" and tactics to "win" back your wife. Your IC is much closer to the truth.

You must authentically change the way YOU behave and to do that, you must also change the way you see things. You have to grow as a man.

For example: Several weeks ago the the W mentioned maybe we could get lunch together. The IC said I should call/text to ask her when she might want to meet for lunch because I authentically want to meet her for lunch with no ulterior strategy behind it.

I agree. Although I'd choose to see the lunch as an opportunity for your wife to see the new improved you (even if at first you have to "fake it til you make it")

but certainly NOT with expectations attached which is what I sense you want.

This statement by the IC has caused me a LOT of conflict. It's what led me to calling the W after she texted 2 weeks ago. I felt the call was productive but in the big picture of things I worry it wasn't. Which leads me to wanting to interact with her again authentically and it seems like this could lead to an unending cycle leading to pursuit behaviors.

What does everyone else think?

Become the best man you can become. Choose that as your first primary goal b/c from what Bond and others have written to you, I'm not sure you get how much work you have.

Self improvement is not "the last resort" - it's the FIRST and BIGGEST CONSTANT in DBing.

Also, and please hear this, having work to do on yourself is GREAT NEWS b/c it means you can do something to change this!

You are not powerless.

(If you had been a perfect h to your w, truly, then this would be hopeless, right? So see the need for improvement as both realistic AND good news...)

Make sense?