Trying to Follow DB & DR

[MrBond]

"It seems to me like whenever the swinging gets brought up no one want to touch my posts with a ten-foot pole. lol"

It's probably not the swinging issue. There are alot of posters on the board and a bunch just started within the past week. Sad that it keeps happening.

"So I've been thinking and reading other posts and it seems like I've been seeing a lot of mentions of letting go of the rope. It seems to me that the general advice is that:

when the idea of the big D doesn't send you into a panic,
you can honestly say you're detached (in the sense that you know you have no control over your S thoughts and actions, you can only live with their actions, and not want to be there to swoop in and protect them etc.),
and you know that you'll be okay with or without your S

are you at the point where the rope is dropped."

This is true.

"The second point seems to go a bit against LRT. I know, I know, LRT is supposed to give me a chance to become the best possible person I can become. "

No that is not what LRT is about. Regardless of what stage you're in, you're supposed to be changing into a better person and especially getting rid of the bad behaviors that turned off your spouse in the first place.

"Does that include reaching out to the S when I've become that person?? LRT does say not to contact them and let them contact you first."

No. It depends on your situation. If you don't contact her every now and then, how's she going to see the changes?

"I'm really thinking I need to find a new IC. I don't feel like he's helping me swim, instead we're just treading water. He actually asked how I thought I got to this point last session. That was one of the thing MWD mentioned, the therapist shouldn't focus on the past and how you got to this point, instead they should focus on how I'm going to be changing from this point forward. My IC asked a little bit. I told him about this forum and he was kind of surprised saying things like "How did they determine you were controlling?" and "Well you seem to have all the right steps in front of you""

The controlling issue was basically about your money issues which you outlined perfectly. You said that YOU don't like spending close to chest and felt your W might have been spending more than you were comfortable with. That's control on your part because your W didn't seem to have that issue. Yet you let your fear take over and discouraged her from spending. You may have thought of it as responsible spending, whereas she didn't.

Also her having sex with someone that she didn't want to was definitely sexual control if she did it to please you. She may not have told you she was uncomfortable, but either way, she did it to make you happy.