Enjoying the ride

[Zues126]

You're right. I can't control my STBX, my family, etc. I do control me.

If she's there I will survive. I didn't think so yesterday...the thought nearly made me physically ill. But I can accept it. This isn't just divorce. This is life. I'm not a kid anymore. The days when a family get together was a safe and fun place where everyone got along are behind me. That illusion is over. There will be people there that I don't want any part of, that's how it goes. I still think it is unfair that she can divorce me and keep my family, but nothing about divorce is fair or right. At some point it doesn't make any difference. As rppfl said, eventually there will be an end to it all.

And you're right. My family can choose to be friends with her. However I do decide who I want to be close with. I know that many of my family will maintain a "coworker" relationship with her for the sake of being included with kids updates from her side, etc.

Those that want to remain closer than that I don't plan on being close to myself. As I've said I feel D equates to murder. If someone in my family wanted to hang out with a murderer I wouldn't feel safe around them either. Again, that doesn't mean I will never talk to them again. I can be polity. But I get to pick who I'm friends with as well.

You all may say I've got serious problems for feeling this way. That's fine. I'm doing my best. Maybe someday I can do more than be polite. Right now this is what I can do.