Trying to Follow DB & DR

[Miman2]

Why assume that you are judged? A lot of posts go unanswered on these boards. The brain tends to look for patterns (I'm sure Raliced-the-statistician would agree) where there are none because the want to see them. It might be interesting to explore why you see this pattern. I personally don't comment on the swinging because I've no experience with it and no judgement against it either. So I read and learn, but I don't judge.

Don't know really. I guess I think it's hard for a lot of people to relate to the situation because of that, and so they might not comment. I guess I figure a majority of the people would probably think I set myself up for my situation by even participating in such a lifestyle and might not want to comment because I dug my own grave, so to speak. I guess I just fear judgement because it's something people easily pass judgement on. Surprisingly my support network (friends & family) have been pretty level headed about it when I told them.

DR says you let them reach out to you first. Think of it from your WW's perspective. Right now, she's thrilled by her new life and repulsed by you. Every effort you make to get closer to you is unpleasant to her. There might be a time in the future, say a year or two from now, when she will get bored with the OC and think of you in a new light. Maybe she'll reconsider. If you leave the door open, if you don't tell her you never want to see her again, call her names, etc. then she'll come back. Also, keep in mind that she needs to really want to be back with you for a reconciliation to work, not pulled back in the M.

That is one of the hard parts I suppose. I cycle between trying to keep a level head and move on with my life while keeping the options open. There hasn't been any movement on the D as far as I know of. But she seems to be cutting off all connections to silly accounts we used to share like our Evernote and Spotify accounts. I know we're only supposed to trust 50% of what they're doing but it still gets me upset to the point where I just want to "rip the band-aid" off already and get the paperwork over and done with. :-/

Do you know why your IC suggests that you make one last try? Is it because he thinks it might get you back with your WW or because it would benefit you with some sort of closure?

I don't really know. I suppose I should ask him directly. I would have to guess he might have a little of both of those in mind. He seems to agree with DB and giving the W her space but he doesn't seem to like the "strategy" behind it.

It gets better. I've cut off almost every contact with WW and she is slowly receding in my memory. I was reading about those people who became blind later in life and they complain about forgetting the face of their spouse and husband. That's how it feels.

For whatever reason that sounds horrible to me lol.

Can you elaborate a little more on this? I'm asking because I've thought of changing my IC a few times too, but I realize over time that our conversations might not be short-term solutions, but they are deeply transformational. And that's what I'm really going for. Another thing that I do is, ever 5-6th session, I will ask him where we're going, what we're doing, etc. I never get a straight answer (I'm in charge, so it's up to me) but I always understand better. Try to ask your IC in which of the three main schools he belongs: psychoanalytic, humanist or cognitivist. My IC is psychoanalytic (subconscious processes) while MWD seems to be cognitivist (practical advice).

I don't have the book here, but as I recall, when it comes to looking only ahead MWD talks about MC, not IC. In MC, she sees it as a problem that people spend months and years rehashing past issues, rather than fixing the future. Personally, I'm with an IC that lets me go in the past and it has helped me a lot to understand who I am, which, I now realize, is central to life. Know thyself.

I've seen him maybe 5 times now. At one point I asked him is there anything I should be working on, and he basically said "we're in crisis management right now". Between that and him saying that I seem to be handling things right and doing the right things (which I have because of DB/DR and this board) so he feels little more than a mirror that's giving me the underlying how's and why's. For example I mentioned GAL to him the other day and he was saying how it's in the "new, risky, exciting" things in life where we grow as people and how in the "safe, routine" things can cause us to stagnate. He also mentioned how too much of either column can be bad too.

While this is valuable insight to why I should GAL it doesn't really do much to help promote the actual action of GAL or help in setting goals or anything other than "I really should get out more".

The W is a behaviorist. It baffles my family's collective mind that the W refuses to work through things because she of all people should know a behavior can be changed. :-/ Maybe I'm fighting a losing battle because of that fact.

MrBond tends to look for "control" in a lot of newcomers and will push you. I saw the exchange and didn't think you were that bad. The boards are not gospel and the people around here don't know you much. What they detect is patterns based on a few clues (pattern detection, again!). The idea is that you come here for inspiration, but you make the final call. I've been lynched as a father based on a couple of lines about my kids and I decided that child rearing is not a topic I want to discuss here. I'm in the middle of a discussion about dating and sex after S but before D and I'm in the minority, but I appreciate the input. How I lead my life and what I think of myself is entirely mine though.

The only place where I put a higher value on what this board says than on what I think is on practical action. I trust the process almost blindly because even though it's counter-intuitive, it's the only thing that I've seen working as I studied the success stories.

My ears were burning.
Miman- I looked over your thread and I assure you, that you actually get more responses that most people who are so early into their sitch. I'm with Mozza - the swinging thing is outside my realm of experience so it's hard to weigh in. Frankly, that's why I comment much less frequently on the posts of LBHs. We all have are similarities - but its always a little harder to qrasp my head around a situation where a woman broke up her family (because that just seems so foreign to me). Keep posting and keep asking questions and you will continue to get responses.

I suppose I just have to keep posting, walking the right line (GAL & LRT) and hope that if I start to get too far off of course someone will help correct me.