Maybell XXXIII: Towanda!!!!

[Maybell]

I'll come back to the narcissist thing. Maybe tomorrow. I just want to take a minute to cry a little bit.

Today at work I was checking something on LinkedIn for my boss and I saw that STBX has a new connection. This person has nothing to do with his work and she looks a lot like the OW I know about.

You all can call me out for mind-reading but I think she's his new girlfriend.

And I don't care but I do care. Because today I was also proof-reading the draft of my separation agreement. And STBX has my kids tonight. And I don't know where I'm going to live or how the money is going to work or if this transition is going to drag out through another year of renting.

All I wanted from life was to have a home. A place I could build and nest in, grow from, call mine. I feel now like I've never, ever had my own place in the world. It used to be ok because I had my husband but now I see so clearly that that has been a lie for a long time.

I think I'm weeping for myself. For how much harder it is for me to get this one basic need met than it seems to be for other people. For how scared I am about all the uncertainty in the next four months. For how alone I sometimes feel. For how very, very tired I am. For the waste of the last seventeen years.

I haven't cried in several months but I cried yesterday and I'm crying today. I guess it's having the draft agreement. This is going to really happen. It wasn't al a ghastly mistake. I invested myself in a person who didn't care about me. I devalued my own self.

I don't need a man to get this need met but it would have been nice if STBX hadn't set up this awful situation when he already knew he'd been cheating on me for years. I want to scream at him just for that. I won't say anything. I'll let the separation agreement speak for me. I just hope it's enough to smooth my path.

I'm so afraid that I'm going to have to live in this house to sell it. I'm so tired already and if I have to live in it I don't know how I'll function.

I married a lousy liar. I'm paying for that a lot more than he is. How can I be a good enough person hat I never have to live through something like this ever again???