WAH - gone almost 1 year, still so hard.

[Mozza]

Thanks so much Mozza, as always your positivity is inspiring. And thank you for all the new links you have added to your thread, it's so helpful.

You're welcome. I've no stats on the use of these links, so it's always nice to know from people who use them.

I was reading the recent debate on your thread regarding dating, and I saw that almost everyone was against it. And I am too, but...about 4 or 5 months ago I met a guy while out with friends and he was nice and asked for my number. I explained what was going on in my life and why I wasn't ready for dating and he was fine with this. I met him again 2 weeks ago, we chatted and when I was leaving he kissed me. It was so strange to kiss another man and it felt really nice! I don't really want to date him, but it was so good to feel desired and attractive.

Kudos to the man for kissing you! He has more courage than I do, especially after you rejected him the first time.

But tell me, why are you against dating? Your H has left over a year ago, is with OW and is moving to another city. I'm not challenging your position, I really want to know what holds you back from dating.

I am getting out and meeting new people and I enjoy it. I accept every invitation that comes my way now and I am enjoying myself. Even on weekends when I don't have plans, I find I quite like my own company - cooking a nice meal, some nice wine and a movie and I'm happy!

Good, but not good enough! Especially not the "I accept the invitation I get". Don't let other people dictate what gives you pleasure and joy. Staying home to cook and watch a movie can also become a cop out to do things that thrill you more, but scare you. It is difficult for me to convey it in writing, especially as I know you so little, but really think about what would give you pleasure. YOU CAN DO IT! Now you can! He's gone! You have grown kids who takes care of themselves. Let go of who you think stacey9 should be, and create who stacey9 can be, wants to be.

To me, you sound like someone who doesn't want to leave her comfort zone, even if it's quite narrow, even if it doesn't cover all the ground that gives her joy. You mention that "everyone is against dating" on my thread and so are you, as if it mattered at all to you what everyone else thinks. Are you sure you're becoming your own woman? Because that's what's attractive, that's what will attract any man, including your H. A woman who invest in herself, who knows what gives her joy and goes for it.

I bet your initial reaction is defensive: "No, I assure you, I'm perfectly content!" I challenge this and I encourage you to come back with a couple of examples of things that you'd really like to try. Expand your horizons. You could learn guitar and join a heavy metal band. Yes, you could. Imagine that. Do you see what I mean? You don't have to do what is expected of women in their mid-40s. Anything is possible. The world is your oyster.

When I find out about these new developments in H's life it feels like BD again. The pain is not so intense but is still there and makes me realise how much I love him still.

You still love him in part because you haven't filled the spot he left empty. I'm not talking about another man, I'm talking about your perception of yourself. You are still stacey9-the-separated-mom, rather than stacey9 the sassy single woman who gets kissed by handsome men. You need to let go of him and create a new you. And it doesn't have to be hard: it's a matter of giving yourself permission, of getting out there. Do what you love! You can! You have permission! Trash that ugly carpet and buy the pink one! Plant tulips in a heart-shaped form on your front yard! Create modern art that nobody else understands! Go wild!

And I love reading your thoughts about the WAS new relationships becoming stale and routine. This gives me hope.

Hope of R? That's not really how I see it. For me, it's difficult to know that my W is on cloud nine and easier to know that she left me for another normal life. All successful R, including that of my parents for 46 years, involves routine and disagreements. It does not mean that they will split or that H would come back. But to know that she laughs at everything OM says, that they have fantastic sex, that they go out all the time. Well, that's just hard. That's why I think of how R normalize over time, not really to convince myself that this routine will take her back to me.

I don't think you need hope at this point. You need to drop the rope. Not because there's no hope, but because this hope is hurting you. You still think about him, rather than about you. Once your focus is on you, you won't have time for his life.

Other changes in my life - S18 is moving out next month for college. Big changes. Just me and D20 left. Hoping he'll visit often if only to get his washing done and a home-cooked meal.

How I dread this moment... But let me make a small observation: you cling to the past again. And not even a fun past: washing clothes! When he moves out, over just a few months or years, your relationship will completely transform. Since BD, I talk to my parents almost every day. At first, it could be 5-6 hours a day. Now it can be 1-3 hours. We talk as equals as parents, we talk about sex for the first time in our lives, we talk about grandkids, etc. When you look to the future, get excited about the new it brings rather than hoping that the past, even the boring one, will stay.

Catch my drift?