Zelda - reflecting and grieving

[Mozza]

I am struggling still to see H as an 'abuser'.

That's the crux of the problem, innit?

You've invited me to give you advice and I'm flattered. In fact, I've been following your thread intermittently and found it to be, yet again, a sitch that is beyond the realm of my experience. I've never faced abuse, especially not physical abuse. I've ne expertise or training either, so it's hard for me to measure the gravity of a situation or how to react to it.

What your H did sometimes scared me. I'm afraid it's an escalation and that he's trying to see how far he can go, like all abusers. If you stick around, if you give the impression that you're forgiving him, that he can get away with it, who knows how far he would go? It seems to me that he should be the one crawling back and promising heaven and heart, not you going back to him asking if all is good now.

Your constant love for him is also a tad puzzling for me. On one level, I understand and in fact, I'm in the same boat loving a woman who cheated twice on me and left me six months ago for an OM. Not exactly healthy. At the same time, he went so far and for so long, one had to wonder why is it that we can't see the reality that's in front of our eyes. You'd never date someone who treats you like this. And there are plenty more men out there who would make you happy and tap into the same feelings you have for this man.

In my case, my IC suggested that my strong attachment and sadness are linked to things that I don't want to confront. I'm not comfortable flirting and dating, so I consider M to a woman I love and desire as a "solved problem". What is it that makes you afraid of being without your H? What does it force you to confront?

I probably flattered myself when I compared myself to Simon Cowell on my thread because he, at least, has good judgement. I also find that you've got a fantastic set of followers, some with very relevant experience like Vanilla. You sound like a very strong woman. Perhaps that's part of the problem: you think you're so strong you can solve anything and you can't walk away from a broken H? I'm just musing. Hope this is useful.

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Edit: Just saw your post about his apology to your friends. That is weird. He doesn't sound balanced. He sounds manipulative and narcissistic (though I'm no shrink). Wow. Maybe you friends would also benefit from setting boundaries and tell him "You don't need to apologize to us for your D and we'd really rather you discuss it between the two of you. You have our support." Again, this is a man who seems to be testing boundaries, like the velociraptor in Jurassic Park (watch it).