So, three Saturdays ago my wife told me she wants a divorce. It came out of the blue and as a complete shock. Although, looking back now there were signs - withdrawal, lack of intimacy, etc. Her reasoning was that I was mentally/emotional abusive (none that I recall), didn't support her, etc. Her sister and I had issues and I held a grudge toward her.
We were/are married for 7 years and she is the absolute love of my life. I knew we had problems, but I didn't want to see them - after all, how many men like to admit problems? However, she isn't without her fair share, too. As a child, she went through things that no child should ever endure - and enough for several children. Deep trust issues, etc.
I think part of the trouble is, is that she kept things bottled up for so long and maybe only mentioned something once and then internalized it. Now she is very angry and bitter toward me, the situation, and according to her - the world.
She has agreed to go to counseling just recently, because she realized that saying no wasn't being fair - but I am not sure if it is just a ploy... She is active duty military, also.
Now, the troubling stuff - she has lost a fair amount of weight (she never was overweight to begin with), cut her hair short (a few weeks ago) and spends a good bit of time on her iphone - and she hides it when I come in the room. The dreamist in me wants to thing that she is texting her sister or friend for support. But the red flag in me says otherwise. She also takes the phone everywhere whereas when she used to leave it when she went in another room.
She also left her social page still logged in on one of the devices (still is, because she hasn't looked at it in a while) and I looked (I know...) and found messages from two guys - in different states - that, I believe were/are friends of hers. At any rate, in both she talked about the divorce and in one she said "I told him" and there was a little extra talk about that and then an agreement to call.
Also, on that media site were uprivately synced pics (memes) from her phone talking about newfound love and also "seeing the one right before my eyes..." There are also ones about letting go of dead loves, etc. Too many red flags.. So, she told me that her counsler that she is seeing, or supposedly, suggest space and separation. So, she came up with the idea of staying in a hotel near the base for a couple of days to think and reflect. The base is about an hour away. In fact, she asked me 3 or 4 times if it was OK. The red flags in me suggested I hire a PI (she is there tonight) to watch - which I did. No respnse yet if she is really by her self or not. I will update once I hear something...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
A little update. I wish that I had found this site earlier, then I wouldn't have broken so many of the the 37 rules! Anyway, I never knew that she was as miserable as she was because she internalized things so much to where it got to the point of breaking.
Her main statement is that you never loved me enough for those years - never loved me enough until the mention of divorce. I think that's one of big issues. Her trust issues and all the other stuff from childhood pile on top of it.
As I said earlier, she has agreed to go to marriage counseling starting this coming Monday. I would like to hope that she is going because she honestly wants to try and not to make it look good for a lawyer or whatever.
I think a lot of our problems centered around communication. Another thing, we had our first child less than a year after we got married and we were living far away from our family meant no support - which led to us not doing the things we used to do. The same thing occurred when we moved to our next duty station, and our next child. Maybe that led to some unintentional bitterness.
But, the fact remains that she is angry and very bitter - and I don't know how to overcome that. Maybe there is hope for us. I have also been seeing my own counselor to help me deal with things. After all, I can't become a better husband without working on myself, right?
So, I gave her space and not contacted her during her little away trip, and she ended up contacting me a fait bit - and called twice yesterday: once to see how things were, and the other to berate me over something her mom said. See, her mom is a little on the eccentric side and started asking me all sorts of questions - one which had something to do with her phone. My mistake was answering - since I don't lie, I told as little as I could. But a couple days later, her mom processed that info and ran with the idea of another person - to which she started asking my wife about it. That led to the second call to me yesterday. After we hung up, a series of apologetic texts came in associated with her knowing it looked suspicious and all - kept asking if I was mad. Maybe some guilt was there but who knows.
So, for now I have no idea where things stand, but we do have the counseling in two days. Maybe that will turn into a good thing. All this is very, very hard and all I can do is work on me - and be strong and confident enough to show weakness.
Oh, the PI turned out negative. It was just her.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Oh, and she said that love isn't the issue - it's all the little things that added up over the years. She said she still loves me but doesn't know if she can get over that...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Sorry that you are here. Your situation is VERY similar to many posters here. Mine included. Read Cadets posts. Especially the detachment and Sandi2's threads. It really helped me in my situation.
I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation. And I'm glad you found this site. Lots of wonderful folks are here to help you brainstorm solutions for healing your marriage.
My very first poster gave me the most excellent advice. He said the first duty of love is to listen. Grab every opportunity to listen to your wife and really hear her even when it's hard. Even when you have something you want to communicate to her. Put her first in that situation and really hear her.
Another thing is that these relationship talks when she is in leaving and complaining mode, sometimes take on a life of their own, with emotions going wild. You may start to get defensive--stop yourself. At the same time, stop yourself from begging and pleading.
And rather than get pulled into saying things you haven't had time to make a decision about---just say you've really appreciated that she has been willing to share her thoughts and feelings, and you want to take some time to let it sink in, and to really give what she said some thought. You can agree to get back with her at a given date (give yourself at least several days, depending on what she said).
She's going to say some things that will hurt or seem out of the blue. Hopefully this technique will help you to not be reactive.
May both of your hearts be open. Wishing you great success. You can do this. sg
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I really wish I had learned to listen better. My wife is the absolute love of my wife. Had I learned "how" to listen, we wouldn't be here. But, at the same time, I also realize that not all the blame lies in me - her own issues also contributed to things.
You know, it took her to bring the "D" word until I realize just how bad things had gotten and how bad I was - I was a jerk about her sister. I really have been beating myself up a lot over this and quite honestly, I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I hurt the love of my life to the point of where she wants divorce. However, I try to put on the strong face and not let her see what I am feeling inside - part of adhering to those 37 rules, right?
She stays in the other room, but honestly she is very civil and quite nice sometimes. Well, now she is pissed about another of her mom's crazy episodes - which ya'll wouldn't believe if I told you. All of which just piled a whole bunch of stuff on top of everthing else, and makes that mountain I have to climb that much more difficult.
I have really been working on doing exactly what you have been saying. Not sure if I am starting to see a payoff, but she seems to be communicating more. Heck, even Saturday she called to tell me something funny that happened. That's a good sign, right?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
So I have less than 45 minutes to leave for our first marriage counseling session. My wife should have already left since she has over an hour to drive. Maybe that's a good sign, right? I mean, she is pretty high up in the military and leaving early like that just isn't as easy as clocking out...she could have made an excuse, right?
I am so nervous, that I don't know what to think or expect. I try to put on the good face for her and not break any of the 37 rules, but it's awful hard to do when I see the woman I love so very much and be within arms reach of her and can't touch or hold her.
Part of me is so worried that she is going to go in with her mind made up and come out guns blazing and I will be on the defense or just left stunned. But then on the flip side, she says things as if does/doesn't work out - I am not so sure that she is expecting a quick fix, or none at all.
I have been working on myself to become a better man, which in turn should lead to a better husband. You know, not only hte visual stuff as in doing my share of the housework - well, moreso now than her - but there is also the internal stuff that I am working on, too. Like the active listening my personal counselor mentioned. I guess that was a big problem of mine - and I hope that it isn't too late
My brother keeps telling me that work on yourself and she will see. Maybe that is the truth. I just don't know. I have a whole list of things I need to work on - from negative thinking, over thinking, and reading into things a little too much.
But, I am just so scared that I am going to lose her. I just don't know how to be as strong as possible and sometimes feel myself slipping and breaking those 37 golden rules. This is by far the hardest thing that I have ever done.
Thank ya'll for letting me talk.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Go back and re-read (several times in fact) what Sgctxok wrote to you the other day now. Have it fresh in your head for when you go into the marriage counseling session. This is an opportunity for you and you don't want to sabotage it by letting your emotions get the best of you.
Best of luck and remember, whatever happens, in the long run it gets better.
