Part 17 - Edz, living in interesting times

[Vanilla]

Edz

Please detach from W. You know I mean let go of the outcome, you can still stand.

For months my lovely Edz, you ruminate on every whimsy of W, up when things look roses and down when the skies are grey. Just think about Edz needs as if you were V, or Jim, or Gg or Gan or Toots or any other here that thinks the world of Edz.

What would any of us want for Edz? It is like you are on the whip tail of a runaway truck. It is too much responsibility for anyone (even W) to take on board. Let the tow bar go and start your own engine Edz.

BFT is along for the ride too, extra chicken here for BFT tonight.
V

[edz]

Well the new exercises are clearly paying off slowly, I can now get in and do up the next size down jeans even over the troublesome thighs. Still a little tightish (straight cut which is always challenging on me) but Im happy with the progress. The ones Im in now are getting a little loose. Have a problem in that Im now too small for an XL belt and a notch or so too big for a L (yes punch tool to the rescue at the moment).

Once these next jeans are too big and the next next size down are in the frame and I can do them up im then at goal size trousers. Still on course for summer.

Now toning and muffinyness are different things entirely!

W pinged me not to buy anything for dinner she's bringing over half an M&S Lasagne and veg, said ok, not sure what thats about other than info on s's art classes tomorrow but email would have done. Feeling a lot better now this cold is passing. Bugs, cold&flu, tiredness and depression are not a good mix!

Anything interesting I'll update everyone.

Have a good one.

[edz]

Edz

Please detach from W. You know I mean let go of the outcome, you can still stand.

For months my lovely Edz, you ruminate on every whimsy of W, up when things look roses and down when the skies are grey. Just think about Edz needs as if you were V, or Jim, or Gg or Gan or Toots or any other here that thinks the world of Edz.

What would any of us want for Edz? It is like you are on the whip tail of a runaway truck. It is too much responsibility for anyone (even W) to take on board. Let the tow bar go and start your own engine Edz.

BFT is along for the ride too, extra chicken here for BFT tonight.
V

Lady V,toots,rd,jim and all you guys.

Thanks, yes I know I got sucked back into the vortex over the past few weeks. Im not ashamed to say I had a good cry last night and let it all out again. Slept like a baby and feel much better today. Feel free to let me know if Im slipping again.

Yes, I want her, my marriage, our future back on the table. I'll have a life without her if I must but I dont want that. Equally I cant live on jumping at every text or email.

I have things to plan and do, w wants time to think. I return the gift she gave me at the begining of this trip I will get on with making this new me that has clearly peaked her interest more than the wreck I had become.

Strong words, let's see some actions from me too.

Thanks all.

[edz]

W seems stuck at friends and emailed me was it a hassle without the lasagne (still no idea what thats about), no probs for me - was about to email her anyway to say I'm heading out late night clothes shopping, told her cling film it I'll pick it up tomorrow when I pick s up, first time I've taken him to his art class, should be interesting to see what he's been up to.

[rd500]

Hi Edz. As my L/C would say ,realising you have a issue is a start to beginning to change

Edz , most of us feel like you do mate. We love a good interaction with the WAS because it gives us a lift and a bit of hope I think the trick is to enjoy the interaction and move on. I will say your chat with W a few weeks ago was very positive and I too would be waiting with baited breath for more of the same

We all wish for the very best for Edz and want your M back on track. It's just we don't want Edz to be upset IF it doesn't happen as quick as Edz would like

Positive thoughts mate and we'll done on the weight loss. Take care. Rd

[edz]

Well checking back in.

Yesterday was a busy one. Up exercised and got ready. New top and new jeans in smaller size with a new smaller belt (now in l at last!) then went over and picked up s. Very short chat with w as FIL was starting to empty their garage into the one at the flat and I didnt fancy talking with him, also didnt want to appear to be "hanging on", w's friend was also heading there and due soon so didnt want to get in the way and lastly art began 20 minutes later, had to get there and park. W seemed to be getting a little worked up over the parking situation (nothing new at the flat) validated and simply said I would do what the other area residents do, stop trying to control the situation or worry over the others, put friends car somewhere it fits and if fil having a van causes issues they are his not hers let him deal with it. Did receive the long mooted lasagne in a picnic basket with cooling pack.

Found the place and got s in. Ended up sitting with 4 of w's H.E. friends and talking for 2 hours full PMA mode and actually enjoyed the company if somewhat nervous regarding feeling like I was under close observation!

When s finished we popped back to the house so I could put the food in the fridge and, despite pleading for video game time, we headed out. Went to Southampton for the day and did some book shopping, some seeing the historical bargate and generally bumbling about. Headed back and got dinner going and some home minutia such as washing etc running and s and i played some video games together.

Sent w some emails on the timetables for art I'd received and some photos of s's work and uploaded some pics of southampton to fb.

W commented on s's book on fb chat but not much other contact. I did email her again to ask her to start thinking about days over easter, not specifically inviting her - she knows she's welcome - but to determine where s will be over the 4 days Ive got a nice lamb joint in and would like to know which day to have it ready for. If she chooses to join us I'd be exceptionally suprised but very happy to see her.

That was mostly it for yesterday.

First thing this morning ramped the exercises up again now I'm fit(ter) I can do more and it helps with my depression so up to 70 reps of trunks, 50 partial pullups (just half lift myself from my back using the window ledge with arms - like a reverse dumbell curl - helps build arm muscles and stop them looking flappy!) and a new move which the instructor at the gym showed me, dont know the name basically all fours lifting an arm and a leg on alternate sides so left arm, right leg then alternating. Now doing 40 of those as well. Still no swimming this week as I still have the tail end of this cold and dont want to be sick over Easter.

So after showering and getting ready other new jeans (same smaller size) and new belt and opal green t-shirt, cologne etc. Got s up and sorted breakfast and started work (WFH today). Texted w to ask what sort of time she's heading over to pick him up. Short reply dont know atm so just left it with no worries.

She followed up with a lengthier text and then arrived about 10ish. Stopped for a coffee and a short chat. Seems friend didnt stay in the end just a day visit, seems like she had a nice day and a nice lunch yesterday. Told her all about art - I was steering away from r talk. She asked why I didnt go and see my dad and eventually on our parents role in sitch. I was open but didnt go into it all too much. Just said I am ok and getting on but I've kept my dad out of a lot of it as I didnt want to face the issues w has told me she's facing now (ironically why DB says dont get family involved too much) she used her mum as an offloading point before and at BD which is why she thinks her mum would happily push me under a bus now and why she feels she faces a choice (not all of this was said this morning). I ended a very short reply with simply saying If she chose to reconcile I didnt want her to face a lot of issues with them and so have kept things fairly simple. She was slightly concerned they may not be seeing s because of this, I confirmed they have seen him several times but yes, I'll make sure they continue to do so.

Anyway she left and is taking s to meet up with s's friend for an exercise playdate, we discussed food he's had etc and the fact he's still quite emotional (w said its his age and it is but he's also still a little blue, not sure she sees some of it).

And now back to work. W wasnt sure if she was coming back today (unexplained) so just said no problems stay in touch.

And that, fellow db'ers, is me up to date.

This evening if no further appearances from w or s will be a chill out after some busy days possibly with a bath and wine and another busy work day tomorrow. Easter remains to be seen as yet!

Catch up with you all a little later, just grabbing an update on my coffee break

[edz]

Just to expand on the garage emptying above, was interesting to note w doesn't appear to have fully told s yet that MIL and FIL have invited themselves to stay at the flat indefinitely once their place sells before they relocate to relatives in the north to commence proper house hunting. This is most likely happening in the next week or so.

Considering the stress w and s had staying at MIL before november and the fact that I'm not sure where they'll sleep since w has one room, s the other then there's the lounge (no sofa bed unless its an inflatable) and what was s's room now an office / dumping ground and supposed to be a "den" eventually.

Unfortunately as has always been the case w has just said no problem to her mum and will then (not) deal with the stress as MIL will undoubtedly track her ins and outs what she's doing, watching and where s comes goes and works, concerns me about the pressure on s.

When w raised this after mini golf a few weeks ago now I said well if s wants to come here thats no problem she just replied what signal does that send to her mum, I pointed out (putting it bluntly) I am more concerned about how s will feel about it.

I haven't spoken to s directly as I don't want to undermine w and how she may be thinking about telling him (if she is) but it shows me she still hasn't dealt with her mums control as yet. In very, very last place regarding the sitch no idea if its good or bad, can see it bringing the issue of her choice (in her mind not mine) of her mum or me to the fore (I dont believe for one second MIL would walk away and lose contact with s or the opportunity to interfere or in her eyes gloat and increase control if we didnt make it in reconciling which will undoubtedly be her opinion).

As to where that goes, only w can decide that. I'm watching the issue from my vantage point for s's sake but I'm not having a bite of that pie insofar as her lack of boundaries with her mum or letting mr fixit stick his duck tape covered oar into those waters!

[rd500]

Hi Edz. Do you think the stress on W , when I laws move in, will make your own sitch better or worse. I have mixed feelings over the stress aspect. A lot of the sitchs I see on here , the LBS is hoping something triggers the WAS to comeback and I was of this mindset at the start. Now I feel any extra stress that might encourage WAS to comeback would be detrimental in the long term. If the WAS makes the decision to return to the M I would hope it would be for the right reasons. Just my thinking Edz.and well done on the smaller size clothing

Take care. Rd

[edz]

Hi Rd

Thanks I'd love the weight and size to go faster but have to be realistic, was a BIG guy - I'd steadfastly managed to avoid seeing exactly how big I'd got and a lot of that was depression (who cares?) and self delusion (just a couple of stone over - yeah, right!) dealing with both now and getting there slowly, new stuff and dumping all my old big guy gear is helping depression and PMA!

On the sitch, mmm, honestly I dont know and Id be mind reading. Also w acts as two people on this. To me she will and has over the years derided her mother cried, broken down, screamed shouted and most recently told me she just doesnt like her.

She is also absolutely gut terrified of her, dont know why she just cannot resist her control - always thought its seeking approval but thats never going to happen and w knows it. Ive begged her to seek therapy on it over the years and/or take control with healthy boundaries but w has never been able to do it and has always put her mums wishes, concerns or requirements over mine. Many times in the past (before my depression kicked me to the ground) I wondered why I hung in there as last in the marriage, it was of course because I did and do love my wife.

On this development, well, I know theres a "secret" holiday plan as I mentioned w let slip that "all they wanted to do was pay for s to go on a holiday" in a call the other month - I made no deal of it then or now to w despite my ravings in a stupour here last week. Maybe they link together with this. Maybe if w and s go away they stress will be manageable. Personally I think its going to be a car crash. W said to me when I was originally thinking of postponing the move from the flat that she was close to matricide, considering her comments on really not liking her recently I cant see it being any better.

So your question, will it make the situation better or worse? If I had to guess Id say it will pause it, w will feel under investigation and will be so scared of upsetting MIL she will try to avoid seeing me making the excuse its difficult at the moment. Dropoff / pickups for me may be a little more stressful (for w, I couldnt give a damn about her mother otherwise for better or not).

If things get bad s could come to me for a few extended stays but I see w wanting to avoid those for the same reasons.

If, big if, it gets to the point where it boils over w may seek refuge with friends and H.E. days (if MIL doesnt try to attach herself to those. Although w has said for grandparents that have bemoaned their contact with s they have over the past 4 months only ever come round when they knew I had him and indeed when w and s where at MIL only took him out themselves once. This is standard "the world is horrid to me" behaviour from mil and I believe classic narcissist.)

I think I will be her last resort bolt hole.

The $100,000 question is will it prompt w to jump ship and push her to reconciliation talk / run back. You're correct I dont want it that way if its the only reason. It would simply be a matter of time until w started to feel had she given in too easily (especially if mil begins the wounded swan act) and then w will feel trapped between really hurting s by leaving again making working on our piecing extremely difficult.

Much as I want, crave, desire and occasionally flip out (see last week) for her to come back today, this afternoon, how's now for you? If MIL does indeed bog off to the north and w stays here as she has sworn is her intention I think a slower decision would be healthier for any chance we have.

Right now Im trying to stay detatched from it and not offer too many solutions (I only have one viable one and thats hardly likely, hey, come live here, no? ahhh) other than that Im validating, listening (giraffe mode) and trying to help her see the toxicity of some of her mums actions in the light of day.

I internally compare both her fathers and w's actions around MIL as being around a rampaging elephant. They follow behind her apologising, cleaning up the mess and making the excuse "she'll never change" never once thinking that they enable her.

I *think* I gave an answer somewhere in all that waffle RD. Its difficult really. W gives me mixed messages even looking at everything dispassionately she says she's undecided then talks for hours as if she wants to try again, she's said to friends and I've heard via channels she always had her doubts and doesnt want to come back just because its safe, she is chummy and happy with her mum but speaks of her as if she sometimes wishes she would just go away for ever and let her live her own life. Throughout it all she cannot bring herself to just say to her mum this is my life, let me make my own decisions and butt out.

I'm just getting on, looking out for s and if w wants to talk she can come to me. I'm ready to listen.

Cheers

[Dawn70]

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, Edz. I am struggling with detachment, as much as I feel like I am detached. I am so proud of you for your hard work in taking care of yourself. Hang in there, Edz, and know that I am pulling for YOU.