Oh, and if consequences would help her face reality, I don't like the idea of my family pretending what she's done doesn't impact her standing. It may be good for her to realize it IS a big deal. Whether that is for R, or for her own personal growth.
Those are my arguments for not sharing this holiday. Where it gets tricky is how to handle things if my family doesn't agree. Do I have a right to ask them to end their R's with her? Do I have a right to share why (when I have respected the privacy of her decisions until now)? Do I have a right to exclude my presence if my boundaries aren't respected in not having her present? Or do I need to just suck it up? And is that really what's best?
Zues, I see it pretty much the same way as Calibri. You don't get to decide who your family is friends with. You can only decide how you want to behave.
When I was growing up, my mom's side of the family was always feuding. At various times, we didn't see any given aunt, uncle, cousin, and I never really knew why. I just knew I liked that aunt and we used to go see her a lot, and now we don't and I miss her. As an adult, I decided that whatever was between my mom and said aunt was their business, not mine, and I went to see her on my own.
And, it's also not your job to teach W a lesson. Life will do that. I'm not saying shield her from natural consequences, I'm just saying don't make it your mission to punish her.
If she's invited, do your best to be polite. I like the suggestion of giving the family a heads up that your relationship is contentious at the moment and you might need to briefly step out to collect yourself. And as a bright spot, know that next year will likely be less angst-filled, no matter what happens in between.
I invited H to Easter dinner this year. We didn't "discuss" it, I simply issued an invitation as if he were a family friend. He accepted.
