I see you coming to terms with your own role in this place you find yourself in, please do not shame yourself. As I keep telling myself, "I was that person in that relationship TILL NOW, now that I know better I will do better"
As for me, no my current sitch is quite the opposite from the previous one I had when I referred to "I have lived this relationship".
My last dramatic filled, crazy relationship was a 5 year on again off again relationship with a lovely man, who was the poster boy for the emotionally unavailable man! The emotionally unavailable man has the nuance of the Push/Pull dynamic artfully curated. They know just when you are almost fully detached and suddenly they appear, magician like. They often play the emotional vulnerability card, and Oh My do I respond. Lets just say the Mr emotionally unavailable is at one end of the continuum and Mr Abusive is at the other end, they have been men that adore woman like me. And I am the woman that has adored them.
He was however the end of long line of abusive or crazy men I have been able to attract into my life. I am a rescuer/fixer/codependent. My personal strength of empathy and compassion - my therapist says play against me in intimate relationships.
I am comforted in some regard in that my tendancies towards these men were implanted by watching my addict father (gambling/and emotionally unavailable, Eastern European- physically and emotionally abusive upbringing) and my mother (Codependent/lacking in self esteem/abandoned by her own father) engage in their relationship. This is so not my fault...so I a keep telling myself.
And then just to top it all off, I work as a social worker, in Child Abuse. So I have worked most of my adult life with women and men, who have lived lives just like me, and worked with plenty of men, who have presented with your H behaviours ( I don't say that to be hurtful)
You will laugh at my current predicament with my recent ex, in that I didn't know how to be in a healthy, dramatic free, loving relationship. My subconscious wanted to play relationships with someone, who was unpredictable and had no boundaries and pick up my dysfunctional cues for attention and loving. My ex was not this man. He had instead solid boundaries and caring heart and drama was a detestable thing for him.
I jest, but it is indeed heartbreaking to realise that I lost something quite wonderful. It is harder still to know what I know because of my profession and still not recognise what I was doing.
Take comfort Z, we are all coming to terms with what what we have done and how we can be our best selves. That person no one would want to leave.
Again loving thoughts Z and lots of hugs X
PS Z, your H is unwell and to the point he is abusive of your tender loving self. Tread carefully.....you are youer than you...and that is very precious. X
