This action is other than resuing H as it satisfies your needs as primary. it may assist H a little by taking the lead and that is just a knock on. Prodding H may just frustrate you and perhaps give his control over you (perverse).
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I see you coming to terms with your own role in this place you find yourself in, please do not shame yourself. As I keep telling myself, "I was that person in that relationship TILL NOW, now that I know better I will do better"
As for me, no my current sitch is quite the opposite from the previous one I had when I referred to "I have lived this relationship".
My last dramatic filled, crazy relationship was a 5 year on again off again relationship with a lovely man, who was the poster boy for the emotionally unavailable man! The emotionally unavailable man has the nuance of the Push/Pull dynamic artfully curated. They know just when you are almost fully detached and suddenly they appear, magician like. They often play the emotional vulnerability card, and Oh My do I respond. Lets just say the Mr emotionally unavailable is at one end of the continuum and Mr Abusive is at the other end, they have been men that adore woman like me. And I am the woman that has adored them.
He was however the end of long line of abusive or crazy men I have been able to attract into my life. I am a rescuer/fixer/codependent. My personal strength of empathy and compassion - my therapist says play against me in intimate relationships.
I am comforted in some regard in that my tendancies towards these men were implanted by watching my addict father (gambling/and emotionally unavailable, Eastern European- physically and emotionally abusive upbringing) and my mother (Codependent/lacking in self esteem/abandoned by her own father) engage in their relationship. This is so not my fault...so I a keep telling myself.
And then just to top it all off, I work as a social worker, in Child Abuse. So I have worked most of my adult life with women and men, who have lived lives just like me, and worked with plenty of men, who have presented with your H behaviours ( I don't say that to be hurtful)
You will laugh at my current predicament with my recent ex, in that I didn't know how to be in a healthy, dramatic free, loving relationship. My subconscious wanted to play relationships with someone, who was unpredictable and had no boundaries and pick up my dysfunctional cues for attention and loving. My ex was not this man. He had instead solid boundaries and caring heart and drama was a detestable thing for him.
I jest, but it is indeed heartbreaking to realise that I lost something quite wonderful. It is harder still to know what I know because of my profession and still not recognise what I was doing.
Take comfort Z, we are all coming to terms with what what we have done and how we can be our best selves. That person no one would want to leave.
Again loving thoughts Z and lots of hugs X
PS Z, your H is unwell and to the point he is abusive of your tender loving self. Tread carefully.....you are youer than you...and that is very precious. X
Sorry fat finger syndrome, wifi keeps logging me out so I lose my post!
Your M is over for you when you say. If you want out, truly decided this, keep your power and act in your time and how you want too. If H moves first decide on your next action. many here say " I will not D you or help you and I am not standing in your way". This action is for Z when she decides for herself it is time and to further Z in her life. In my opinion it is not a tool to wake up H, that would be control again. If it has that effect so be it. I have drafted my D papers and they are with my L where there is no chance H may accidentally see them. Other than here, my IC, L and Gamanon group no one knows, so it is confidential to me. When I am ready I will file and it makes me secure to know this. I have changed my will, pensions beneficiaries and power of attorney. I mean business. In a set period then I will move to change.
Confidentiality in your fins and keep your strategy secure.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
You are a blessing here V, you are wise, considered and calm in your advice, and of course on the money. Warmth and love to you on your journey. Jelly X
Jb i went to your thread to quote your post and respond, and noticed that there were unanswered posts from MrB, the vet who gets to the heart of the issue with directness and deep questions. I am very interested in your answers. Clearly there are issues on abuse that directly affect you and we can chat about those if you would like.
Peace V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I find myself hoping H will have a revelation and come to me grown up and responsible and balanced in some months. How ridiculous. I find myself wondering how I could ever trust him again. It is hard to let go. I keep turning around to look at that rope I laid on the ground.
I do not wish to contact him today, to prod or otherwise move our ditch toward divorce. Just can't handle it. Not today.
Thank you for your support, all. I read and re-read.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Sorry your having one of those days Zelda. It happens, you seen my night lol. I'll have to read up on your sitch when I get a chance. Takes me a while to read up from the beginning for people. Stay strong, your awesome and deserve to be happy. We all do and one day we will be.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I find myself hoping H will have a revelation and come to me grown up and responsible and balanced in some months. How ridiculous. I find myself wondering how I could ever trust him again. It is hard to let go. I keep turning around to look at that rope I laid on the ground.
I do not wish to contact him today, to prod or otherwise move our ditch toward divorce. Just can't handle it. Not today.
Thank you for your support, all. I read and re-read.
This may happen just take out the EXPECTATION of months. Insert years.
A good friend has helped me with GAL this week. We will workout and she has gently suggested coming over to start packing H things into the garage - I am glad she is helping me move on like this. It is healthier than me looking at his things.
I have plans for IC tonight, egg dyeing Thurs, more wkout and side biz rest of the week. I will be ok.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
