Unfortunately I have to say I do see the abuse cycle here. There is quite a deal of good in your H of course and that may be why you struggle to see this. My H is relatively new to the current level of abuse he is occupying and he has not yet gone physical but I fear him if he does. Separating is the most dangerous time and your H (like mine) is minimising the problem.
These men do not really believe their own rhetoric and often they are subject to childhood abuse (high A scores) which require them to self adjust and seek treatment. They have not paid a high enough price to be willing to change. Your H will know his story is not accepted as the truth emerges and it is in honesty openness and willingness that change occurs (twelve step programmes call this HOW). Get all the support you can Z and if H is to change, even if this does not help your R, then he will see the writing on the wall. H may face his issues if this happens, as there will be cognitive dissonance.
Be aware that you may only hear the bad 'weirdo' stories about H; referred to as mobbing. Please accept that you played a role too in this and if there is codependency you will need to address it. Change for Z too. Leave H be to work his stuff, if you can pull more than your weight to get where you need to be then do it. Keep the interactions kind and minimal, more in sorrow than in anger as they say. Make it easy for yourself to achieve what you need.
My concern is Z, and if she understands that her childhood or adolescence may need resolving so that she never has this again in her life. Z, I want a rewarding life with children, happiness and great big dishes of gloopy happiness for you. I would like this now of course but there is likely to be repair work required.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 03/30/1512:12 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
