Zelda - reflecting and grieving

[Zelda09]

Calibri, locks are changed, yes. I did it like a man today without opening directions and that made me laugh, thinking about the traditional Chinese medicine practitioner last night who told me he could see a huge cloud of yang energy around me.

Toots, your point is well taken. It turns out H was actually invited out by my friends' H to this party. That makes everything much, much less creepy. They had lunch together last week, and H represented that he broke my phone and must have really scared me, I kicked him out, and he thought this was really it. Friend didn't cut him much slack on that, but I guess didn't think to mention it to me since we were only just having 'trouble.' It's ok. How could he know that the last time I accidentally ran into H I became ill, and we couldn't even muster hello to each other, or that his friend told him about 20% of what actually happened that night.

Jelly - I am bad at quoting things, but I have to tell you, the paragraph about the overwhelming feelings stemming out of his 'rejection' -makes a lot of sense. No matter, it's not a dance I have to continue. As the popular little meme says, when someone wants to be with you, they'll be with you. Period. There won't be excuses, drama, shadiness, or uncertainty. Can I ask - your thread, this relationship you say you've lived - is it in the past, or is this the recent one you're dealing with? Thanks for the support and dropping by.

V - the TED talk is good. But I am struggling still to see H as an 'abuser'.

I see him having some abusive behaviors, the bullying and intimidation any time I questioned his behavior, and I believe he feels powerless to manage his emotions or life - sustained effort isn't his thing. I think an abuser is a pursuer by nature, and is controlling and invasive, critical, the first to move into your space. My H was none of that. He never came at me with criticism, was rather like a golden retriever greeting me at the door each day, and unless disturbed by something I said to him in the vein of criticism - he kept this attitude up. H is the first to distance after a fight and has never really tried to make up when I break up with him, or ask for me to give him another chance. Was very supportive of my life, and rarely asked a prying question. Acted very secure in later years when he realized he wasn't competing with other men. Still, he had some extraordinary dark places within him.

I'm thinking of a time where, when he found out a teen I used to work with stabbed three people he didn't know in a hotel, he blurted out angrily, "Well, Z, what did you expect? This is what happens when people don't get the help they need." This was when we sat in the lobby of our MC for the first time and he was furious and cold toward me. The insinuation was hard for me to believe and is still.

Another friend told me today, he's been harassing our friends for months, texting them back things like, "you're not really my friend, why are you pretending to care about me" or guilt tripping them about how they haven't done enough for him. WOW. Why did no one talk to me about this. She said today they have been concerned about what looks like slipping mental health, but what also looked like he just gave up on his own life and M.

What a weirdo. That's all I got today.

Calibri, I am also thinking of your first post on last page. And I adore you for not stepping around it - what did I expect? In a very co-dependent fashion, I made all of his immature, irresponsible behavior something I could work with, from the beginning. No one held a gun to my head and said, be this man's mother and try to fix him and show him how wonderful he and life are. There were two of us in that relationship, and I agreed to be with a loose canon, who would go from golden retriever to someone ripping out my car stereo, punching things around me...less than fifteen times in six years did we have incidents like this, but there must have been hundreds of other verbal and emotional lashing out that I eventually 'talked through' with him and tried to believe would be different next time. In all fairness, the throwing things around me stopped for more than a couple years, and he stopped calling me obscenely nasty names, just got more creative with the insults. I can't blame him for being him when I tolerated it and even pursued him when we were on the brink of breaking up. :-/

There are parts of my H that are good and decent, and I will wish him well, that those parts may grow bigger in him. Maybe I have done him a favor by showing there are real boundaries and consequences.

It has been a week since I asked him to file a quit claim. He agreed, but I haven't heard from him. It is comical to think he will follow through on this (takes effort) and I am wondering if I should send this:

"H, taxes are filed. Have you taken care of Q.C yet? Please let me know, I will send you dissolution papers to have signed and notarized once this is done."

I see no reason to wait on this. Even if the man I love emerges with independence and full adulthood, that would be months or years down the road and I doubt I could ever recover from this. He's dropped enough statements about wanting to date other people, so good, let him. And if he ever changes his mind, I hope to be happily on with my life by then.