Turned the internet back on instead. She was rather upset about it last time. "Vindictive without communication." Decided to start it off with:
"What do you want/need from me for our relationship?"
I have been wanting a response to this for awhile. All she could do is say "I don't know."
I brought up that I still want to trust her, but cannot and it feels like there is still contact between her and OM. I asked her to be truthful. She still denied, but then started to admit that they would just ask how eachother's day went. She felt that it was just friendly exchanges. That they can "still be friends," (it was a lot more than that). "I am not seeing him anymore, so what is the big deal?"
I mentioned the whole NC means NC to me. That I do not feel that it works that way and that there is no such thing as "just being friends." She stuck with the whole "you are just thinking that up," "you are just putting that on yourself," etc. I mentioned that this is something important to me, a boundary, that I can not accept happening for me to be considering we are working on our marriage, as she says we are doing (as well as within this conversation, after admitting to contact as just friends). "It does not work that way and I would expect you to do the same to me in this situation." She was trying to claim that I was holding her back from her recovery. I mentioned that I was not, just protecting my boundaries and myself. That I support her recovery one hundred percent, just not an affair, and not my boundaries being crossed.
Got a little further into relationship talk. Talking about what we feel like we would need from each other. Stuck with emotional connection and trust, I did mention that physical is helpful important in my opinion, but it can be respected without for awhile. Also mentioned that I do not want to live with seeing our son only 50 percent of the time. I firmly believe that a child should have one mother and one father and that is it, and that divorces cause a lot more unforeseen repercussions and that it is often times a short term fix. That I believe children to not fair as well as some people think, and there is a lot of research on the matter. These were mentioned as my opinions.
Some choice phrases came out, "I just do not care about your anymore." "I feel like the love was never there." "I do not know if I came back to just be with our son or to work on our marriage." "I wish you would have an affair just so you know that someone loves you," "I can see the good in you and you are a wonderful father and you and _____ love eachother so much, and we do well raising him together," "I do not feel like I can become emotionally attached to you at all, and I do not feel like I ever have."
I did validate every one of her feelings.
It did get a little more heated (no raised voice though). She mentioned, with a pretty evil look on her face, "....It is not going to be with you." I feel I have made a mistake here in the heat of it. Saying "Well you can leave then," and then I went up stairs to cool down a little, knowing it was not the best thing to say, but I do not tolerate being lied to. Naturally not heard that way regardless.
She came upstairs. Had some more talk in the kitchen. Started off with her saying that I was kicking her out, but she is not going to leave because her son is here, 50/50 assets and such. I said "that is not what I said, I said you could leave, but I WOULD rather you be here." She was having a problem with my use of the word "boundaries." That it was a "big word I just decided I wanted to start using." I said "everyone has them. They are things that can not happen for a relationship to succeed or happiness to be had. Being lied to and an affair a major ones for me. You have yours, and when they are brought up, I respect them."
The exchange went into the past for this one. Saying that I threatened to take full custody of our son when she was using. I apologized that it felt that way, made it clear that I had no desire for that, that it was what the legal system would have done in that situation, but something that was with great reluctance on my part (I feel I may just have to keep my mouth shut on this one). She mentioned that I did not do enough for her when she was using. That I was not attached to her enough emotionally that I was just willing to "let her die." I validated her feelings, and apologized for not doing what she felt I should have been done (dragged her to get help), but by no means did I ever want her to die, "you are not ready until you are ready" is what I keep being told, and I did tell her that I wanted her to get help (she never did obviously). I mentioned that it was more that I just did not do the correct things for the situation. Instead of dragging her to a facility, I decided that I was going to try and do things to try and make her happy - flowers, gifts, bringing dinner to her at work, bringing our son to her at work, compliments, etc, not making her do things around the house when she was working full time. Wrong choices.
It seemed like she was blaming me for everything that has happened to her. That I was the one who did not do enough to prevent her from getting to where she is now. She asked why I felt completely disrespected. I mentioned that I felt it would have been a lot better off (regardless of the outcome) being told these feelings back when they first came up. That not doing so, doing all of these things behind everyone's back, and letting it get so far was something that could have been avoided, and that these "boundary" conversations would never have occurred.
A lot of these things are things that OM says too. Sometimes it feels like some brainwashing has occurred.
