Toots - I wish it was not happening to my H and I. But I need to face reality and this means to keep life going in a more health direction. It's quite difficult to DB with H.
Sometimes I think he is in the fog, lost and in a lot of pain. Other times I think he is going through a lot of guilty knowing what he is doing to his family. Other times I think he is an MLCer by the book with all the craziness they endure.
So, being so lost on what is real and not real I agree with you that the best thing now is to put some distance between us and see where life take us.
Jim - I tough I own this to myself, to my kids and to H too. He told me I did hurt him deeply when I stop hugging and kissing him. I know I did this. The more I wanted his attention and affection, the more I drove him away from me.
I can't forget that I was the one the asked for the D a week earlier then him. I was a big mess before the DBomb. I was empty and unhappy to the max. I couldn't breath around my H anymore.
Maybe, it would be easier for H if I never found the DB books and this board. I changed, H can see my changes and I know he likes it. In the same time, what was so sure in his mind became a big issue if Pink will be this new person forever or if this is just a moment to drive him back to the R.
My changes makes him think of what, if, why... and he is in a big dilemma. There is also this issue about MLC. I started believing that this is a real thing.
H is in complete distress and does not know what direction to take. He even says that he is getting older, that he does not have much time to be happy. That he gave up on our marriage because he can die tomorrow and he did not want to spend any time trying any more.
He told me he did not want to give up, and for a long time he didn't, but he got to his limit and he gave up and now he need to live with his decisions.
What to do? I think that the only thing I can do is to disappear from his life. Like you said, just deal with D and kids issues and that's all. Maybe it's time that will tell me if our M can be healed or not.
Now, it is even my issue, since I do not know what I stand anymore. By one hand I feel I want my M, to get back together, work on our wounds. By other hand, I feel like a bird that wants to fly again. I wonder if I would be happier if I just let go and start walking in another direction.
I really don't know anymore. I am tired of hurting. I want to give up too and end the whole drama. I was never a person that would stick to anything or anybody to start with.
I think I need time to heal, time to get stronger, some happy moments to make feel alive. It's just to much and I am feeling hopeless. I feel that my M is over, that we will get D and that there will be nothing more to us.
It's time to rest a bit. I have no more energy for all the turmoil. I will see what happens, but I think it is all over. I am letting go, I know it is happening inside me.
Jim, RD is my inspiration to think that "man" is not evil. He makes me smile and think that there are good men out there. I think I feel like having a lot of things in common with him. He is a house mouse with a tiger spirit. Love it.
Thanks again for all your help. Without you guys I would be a real disaster.
Hi Pink. Wow. That was some weekend. Im sorry you and your S had to deal with your H in that state. It seems clear time that your H is very very confused and it looks like he is starting to realise that he could actually lose you.
Of all the people I follow on here you sitch seems the most volatile. When you post I have no idea what I'm going to read. With others things are positive , negative or just same sort of thing. (Me! ). People like myself look for small signs that things can change but you have to deal with your H telling you how much he loves you and then he talks about OW !!!!!
I'm no vet but things have to settle down. Pink could make another life because Pink is someone of value, kind , caring and basically a good person. Pink COULD move on but its way too soon Pink needs to stand back and let her thoughts and feelings settle. If I could suggest Pink goes to a I/C for herself.
From what you post you are a very emotional and passionate person which in a normal relationship is great. as a W , ,Pink would be a blast , fun , passionate, full of life.
Where you are now that emotional side ( which we all have ) is not good You need to be calm , think about what is best for Pink. You obviously love you H and you don't want your family apart. Your H seems to be using this and he can see that Pink can be a Plan B
I have always admired Toots , she found out about OW and was gone ! ! She emailed her H last week to say she still felt love for him, I bet her H was stunned. Toots is waiting for a reply but whatever her H says he was surprised
My own W thinks it's over for me , I am kind and helpful but never talk about R or M and always carry on with my life. Don't get me wrong W knows I care but the old me would never want anything to do with her after she left and I'm sure she still believes this
Your H needs to see that Pink could be gone for ever. This will also allow you time to process your real feelings which , from what you post, are that you love him and want him back. Pink needs to turn her passionate side on Pink. You don't have to give up on H or the divorce but .Pink needs to dye her hair blue ,get a bike and you and S15 head down the road
Pink. I feel we have a good rapport and I would love to meet you fand I'm sure we would have a great laugh. I'm like most of the guys on here, we made mistakes in our M and we are working at being the best we can be. There are loads of good guys out there. Most of us would kill for a Pink but Pink needs to be led by her heart AND her head. Please step back ,'take some time from H and the craziness and see what Pink wants.
If you want to ignore all the above , my office is 25 mins from Dublin airport traveling at the legal speed limit so if you call I will be there in 9 MINS !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please take care of Pink , your online friends really care about you , RD XXXXX
RD, thanks so much for your kind and charming words.
How can someone that just read a few lines, just translate so much of who I am. Yes, I am a passionate person. I grew up with Italians from Sicily. Part of my childhood was in a farm, with big family, many calls, horses, pigs, ducks, chickens, and more.
My life was always an adventure until I met my H and a settle down. My passion for life was the main thing that attract my H. I was always full of happiness, I laugh a lot, I am never tired to go out and have fun. I like music, dance. And I am very, very girl. I like my nails done, my hair nice, makeup on my face. I like to dress like a girl and love all the girl stuff...laces, things for the hair, jewelry, you name it.
But life took a toll on me, I had my kids, decided to live my life for my family and with time I did not care about my crazy side. My H is not someone full of life, he does not have fire inside his heart as I do.
Many times I would ask him to go for a walk, bike, dance on friday night and he was always pretty tired. He is a man that always traveled, so many times I was left alone with the kids. Loneliness became a part of my life. I always had friends, but it was not him there.
I think I love my H, but the truth is that I don't like his laziness, his lifeless behavior. Sometimes throughout many years, I told him many times that I was empty, that he would take it all and never give it back. I think he never understood what I meant with that.
And your are very right, Pink needs to take care after Pink, and I need to use all my passion towards myself, and be kind and gentle to myself. And let myself dream. Pink is getting ready to fly high. I feel the desire to do something good for myself.
I was just thinking today, what is the sense in thinking to get back with this idiot that is still my H, when I know he is going to meet with his GF for a week? I am getting kind of disgusted about this whole thing.
There is no moral value in any of this. But, you are right in this area too. I need to get some peace around me, some quiet in my head, some calm in my soul. I need to review and try to figure what I really want.
Well, at least one thing I know now... I want to go to Ireland. As a matter of fact, there is a family that we are very good friends with and the couple is from Ireland. They live very close to my house.
One thing I now, I probably already used more then half of my life. So life is short, life is beautiful and I want to be happy. I will take myself from my H life, I need this for my own good. I don't know where it will take me, but I had enough of his dirty games.
He can live his new journey, and I will try to find mine.
How can you know me so well? How can you read me so well?
Hey RD, do you have a dog?
PS.: Talking about bikes, I have two patients that lost one of their legs because a bad bike accident. It's scary. The guy that we put a prosthetic leg still rides a bike. I tease him that if we put a second prosthetic legs, maybe we could install a permanent leg to the bike. We laugh about it.
Your sitch seems like a foreshadow of how I see my W spiraling emotionally. I'm starting to see it more and more with her. I haven't checked into your sitch in a while and I can see that it is very volatile also.
I'll say this, though. H is lost, he's not sure what he wants and is falling for what his emotions and feelings are at the time. He sees what he's losing when he's with you and probably feeling similar with OW when he's with her. He's just a mess and that's not on you to fix it. The toughest thing we have to do is realize that only they can change themselves and they may never choose to do it. You are a shining example of how DB has grown you into someone that can objectively handle very complex and emotional interactions.
I'm sure this is so tough and painful, but I can definitely see that Pink is going to be just fine for any outcome. If I was posting on your sitch more, I would make a joke and ask if there's one of those Rosetta Stone language programs to develop an Irish Accent (okay, maybe I just did)
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Hi Pink. I have hterrible scars from crashes and when I was 19 I badly damaged my right leg. I had foot drop for over a year and now I have full power down with no power up. The leg looks like a shark went at it. It it works !!! The docs wanted to remove the leg but I was lucky. I have crashed motorcross bikes more times than I've had hot dinners and I'm not sure I ever finished a race ! !!
I tore a knee cap almost completely off in a road race crash and I have small scars on my face from an ill timed double jump when I landed on my head I wasn't too pretty to start with anyway. I walk with a limp but I call it a unique walk.
Bikes are bloody dangerous
Pink. I have two dogs , a small Scotty and I have a German Shepard. / Labrador cross He's quite old but is the family protector. He sleeps on my bed and is a true member of the family
Hi MCS, thanks for stopping by. Yes, my H is a mess and I have no idea when he will became normal again. But, like you said, it is hard to watch them destroying their lives and know that they are the only ones that can change the scenario.
I decided to follow all the advice I got here. I need distance from H, need to have clear boundaries, need to let go all his craziness, have more self respect, go dark with no flashlights. Detach, I need to detach.
H will do what he needs to do, but I won't be around because it makes me slide way back when he brings his turmoil around me.
You know, it's frustrating for me, but during 20 years in the US, people asked me if I am French. I have an accent when speaking english. My first language is Portuguese from Brazil, I also speak fluent Spanish. Can you believe that I have a french accent? Ahg... I hate the comment.
Maybe I can speak english with RD, then if we have more time, he can teach me how to speak Irish. I did Latin in college, so have some language background. If it does not work, well, then going to Barnes & Nobles to get my Rosetta. Great idea by the way!
After a bunch of 2 x 4s in my head, I realize I am going on cheeseless tunnels. I decide I need to change. I need to change my attitude towards my H.
It's very important to make a plan of action and move forward with it. I did not do the exercise. I did not think about the ways I need to DB.
I wouldn't say I did everything wrong, but I am not doing the most important thing that is detaching.
I think about my H most of the day. When he comes crying and saying how much he loves me, then I give in. He controls the sitch, and then he goes to his OW. It's time I need to keep my life in my own hands and put some distance between us.
It's not going to be easy, but it is the only way that I have now if I want a chance to get back with him one day.
Hi Pink. It's not easy, You clearly love your H and want him back From the outside looking at your so sitch I would relax back from it. Your H seems to love you , he knows his is losing s15 , I think only time will solve the situation. You can only carry on with your life and i think your H will realise more and more what he is losing. I might be biased but I don't think any OW can compare to the new improved Pink It must be incredibly tough to know that he is with OW but it's not the real world
Stay strong Pink , live your life and relax back if you can
We love our H even if this is damaging to us. We allow them to use our goodwill as they please and we end up with less respect for them and for ourselves.
Pink when you love yourself more than you love H this will stop. I am sure if Pink considers her needs before any others then you can say no to a man for whom you are plan B. No, non, nien, nilch, nada, zippo, nah, and zero, whatever the language this can be the result.
Eventually one day this will be the case. OW is unimportant in the end it will be over with H. She will move on, nasty creature.
I really want to see Pink let go of her expectations of R with H, to examine things coolly and calmly without anticipation. To know that if she says "no" and means "no" there is more likelihood that H will respect her.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi Pink, that sounds like a good idea to me lovely lady. Fabulous Pink deserves better than a tearful H, who grabs onto her knees crying then takes off with OW for a holiday. Your boys deserve better than that too. Whilst your H is doing this, should he get to sleep in your bed and make bread at your house - NO! Says Pink....
Pink, it will be hard for sure. Your H will come, and he will be sad. And he will tell you he loves you and hope to stay over. But you have been around this loop a few times my lovely friend, and are wiser now. You can choose not to be on his rollercoaster and you are doing it, and life will be much steadier.
I'm glad you have decided to do what your are doing. I think your sitch needs some healthy boundaries. I don't think H's behaviour to you has been respectful, and I think in what you are doing you are respecting yourself. And at the end of the day - for all of us - our relationships with ourselves are more important than our M's.
Good luck Pink - Your DB friends are here if you need us xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
