Part 17 - Edz, living in interesting times

[edz]

Totally unable to sleep and summertime (hah!) Just stole 1am!

Wind and rain whipping around out there.

Cold has dragged me down today, s buoyed me up although he seemed tired as well. Insofar as w well I was okish until late evening then just sank a bit. W and I did have a brief fb chat following some photos she posted. I made an effort to stop it first but tried to stay friendly and happy. Tricky since as you'd imagine hearing about a happy wedding day brings me back to ours,no, no idea if she went with anyone and I didn't at any point ask I think not but not tormenting myself.

Noticed w had liked a post on a paper article about "who's having more sex than you" we chatted on it she said she liked a friends comment saying everyone, answered that with indeed. God knows its been long enough!

Raised no r points, left it with a small message for w to contact me tomorrow, we'll see if she wants a normal s handover or something more this week. Less than zero expectations at this point though.

Right bft is snoring I shall see if I can join her in zzzzz.

[Sotto]

Edz, I hope you're feeling a bit better this morning. Cold and otherwise. I'm having a slow morning - toast in bed and catching up on the forum after my dancing day yesterday. Glad you reminded me about the clocks - I would have forgotten that!!

Just remember - overall positive trends and ebbs & flows with your W. Is it yoga this week??

[edz]

Morning toots. Cold is still here still a little low, will recover on both fronts. Weather is god awful still!

Slow morning here too I dont imagine I'll hear a lot of love for going out from s unless his mum reaches out again, I can honestly say I'm not expecting it today, last week seems so far away right now. But I won't dwell, on with the day I suppose.

Friday is supposed to be yoga which pinged something I forgot to comment on. When I was at w's the other night before she dropped the whole wedding comment she was saying about doing some light no impact classes pointed her to the timetable and she mentioned she may think about coming along when s and I go swimming to do her own class. Lots of maybe could etc but at the time seemed positive.

No motion on it I'm aware of though.also s mentioned he and mummy may be going on holiday (his first time on a plane) mummy was looking into it w mentioned to me in a call a few weeks ago mil was offering to pay so that seems likely after the flat sale, something else to miss out on I suppose. I can take s away myself later in the year, that's not the point just confirms I dont factor in her thoughts I suppose no new information, already accepted it but hurts still suppose I let the detachment slip with a big ol' dose of hope it got.

Ah well.

[jim0987]

Morning edz,

Sorry about the cold. Weather wise its properly miserable here in the west Midlands today so I don't think anyone would sensibly go out.

Now you probably already know what I'm going to say but I'm going to anyway (and so you're clear on tone this is all said with genuine care, respect and good wishes and really should be said over a beer down the pub)

Stop beating yourself up with your own expectations!!!!!!!

Let's say you had a relative who offered to pay for YOU to take S on holiday (and by the way that sane relative hated your W) would you involve your wife in the planning or invite her along given your current circumstances?

It like your wife's comments about not ruling you out has taken an egg whisk your thinking and superglued back the bit of detachment. I betcha Mr fixit is screaming that he should be let out because then all will be better if you just let him fix it.

If your thinking this way then definitely post about it and I know there is a big difference to the feelings we post and the behaviour we show. But acting as if is still an act and even the best actors slip especially if the underlying feeling is a long way from the act.

Have a good day edz and enjoy our summertime

[edz]

Hi Jim

Some truth there not really broken apart and the holiday was just a capper really as I said accepted that just feeling a bit blue as I'm run down as well.

Nah mr fix it is relatively quiet he's there he's the one encouraging me to text or email w now and say doing anything for lunch? No I haven't up to her to approach me like last week if that's what she wants she may be reading in the bath for all I know or kicking her heels up in town. No idea not my business really. For details its not so much w at the moment as its feeling sorry for myself, feel Ill cold the weathers rubbish and I miss anyone caring, s does of course but not fair to put any pressure at all on him or make him think I'm anything but great (apart from I can't go swimming today - rather not get pneumonia!) So happy daddy scrabble played and card games later on as well as marvel on steam games.

Try not to include too many friends in my feelings and of course not family so I'm feeling a bit of a sad sac, the whole sitch is really a secondary pain if that makes sense.

Yes talking was a quick high and the absolutely inevitable drawback is hurtful although I knew it was coming as I had to be quite open in the conversation we had as was w then she closed down again of course.

Nothing really to be done right now as it was its up to w to make another move toward or away I can get on with everything else but can't fix feeling lonely for a woman especially w in my life simply nothing to do.

[edz]

W emailed me to say she hasn't heard from me so assumed I'm brining s back this evening. Replied saying no problems its a slow day were just chilling out w replied same there she'll see us tonight.

Clear she's not interested in a meet up today so leaving her to it.

I've made a curry for s and I I'll take him back for 7.

Whatever she wants today its not my company, fair enough.

[rd500]

Hi Edz. You really need to relax back. You worry over W contacting you non stop. Can you accept that if W decides to try to reconcile it will be a very long road Please take this as its meant because I too wait for my W to make contact and I'm confident that W is far from coming home I have had two texts today and a few months back I would have been over the moon They even had x on the end and where about her day but it's all just stars the moon is as far away as ever. My W , your W , toots H , pinks H could be trying to come home but until they do we must all live our lives and try our best to relax back.

Edz I only type this because you seem to be getting worse as the days go on and as your W knows you so well I worry that she can see the anxiety in Edz behaviour. If she can its not going to help.

You've done so much great work on the new Edz , don't hamper progress

I hope you take this post as its meant Edz. The Care. Rd

[Sotto]

That's good advice from Jim, Edz. Often you half expect/hope for an invite and are disappointed. Best to plough your own furrow, and if W extends an invite - great! But expect that much/most of the time there won't be one.

Your moods still seem very linked to what is/isn't happening with your W. It would be great to see Edz happy despite no contact from W.

Yoga will help! Any other GAL plans in progress lovely Edz?

[edz]

Hi guys

I get your points I think a lot of the time its my venting here lots of it is just me talking and nothing to w but yes I know.

Everything else is chugging along which is why I get frustrated.

Not much I can do I know that just getting on with getting on or right now cooking a chicken curry

[edz]

Just taken son back, w was very quiet with both of us so just stayed happy and PMA hugged s it was clear there was no invitation this evening but i hadnt been expecting one so just left it there. Not sure if I'm picking s up tomorrow night or Tuesday morning as her friend is down for the day, doesn't matter cold has kyboshed my swimming for a few days anyhoo. Nightmare work days Monday wed and thu due to Easter so this will not be a great work week.

Reviewed my posts and I can see why I'm getting your feedback guys, I suppose I'm filtering just the w stuff and not commenting on good stuff, I'll try to amend that. I'm not hanging on WS every word honest just that's the most relavent stuff to post, try and be a little more rounded.

Sorting my passport and car stuff this week as I mentioned a while back, regardless of sitch or WS plans I'm going away this year if it kills me even if its alone so need to get my passport sorted asap.

Yoga introduction is this Friday which means it may now be Tuesday (sigh) as it falls on a bank holiday supposed to be first Friday of the month. I'm looking to get a cheap music keyboard and have another go at piano /keyboard and the normal gal stuff also looking to get a treadmill that won't fall apart under my ample frame and doesn't cost the earth.

That's the agenda this week. Oh and a friend emailed to say her sister was interested in a date which I very politely declined even if w doesn't want to try again and confirmed so this week I wouldn't be ready for another person without a chunk of time to process. Whatever I've got to reset my expectations, I'm going to have to get used to my own company except in gal for quite some time to come regardless.

Catch you all soon.