Nuggets

[tadpole1025]

Thanks a lot everyone.

So, with that as a goal, I began to fake it. I mean, that's the honest truth.

Thanks Ur. I feel like I've been faking everything for 4+ yeas.

I dont think you want to feel the way you do. I think you just dont have the strength to fight.[/qote]

That is exactly right. I'm emotionally drained. I find many days where I'm on the verge of tears or many times I'm just dying to just jump right out of my skin.

[quote]Tad, you know yourself better than anyone. But, don't buy into the negative depression talk in your head. Some brains are great at deepening a depression...I happen to have one of those. Push those thoughts away and figure out what makes the depression lift. You did seem better when you saw the therapist.

I have a lot of negative thoughts....they didn't start creeping up again until 4 or 5 months ago. Therapist? Ug....I don't like them...haven't found one that I liked and to be honest, I feel pretty silly sitting in front of someone I don't know and blurting out all of my problems. But......I have started looking for a new one. I just don't have the money to throw down....

And, maybe the rats need to go. Why have you chosen a pet with such a short lifespan? Why put yourself through that type of grief?

Well I'm not really a cat or dog person. The rats, well, they just happened. I fell in love with them as soon as I saw them. It was suggested that I get a pet, so I figured why not the rats? I honestly didn't think I would even get attached to them. I hated rats in the past. I held them everyday since before they had hair and before their eyes were even open....Like I said, I just really bonded with them...kind of like how I bonded with my grandmother when I was a baby and my mom wasn't around.

So, Tad, make an appointment first to see a prof. You have nothing to lose by doing that- and everything to gain.

I'm currently looking for one.

I don't see u as shy. You were in radio. Find that guy again.

......not sure I want to find that guy or even where to look.

Mighty, sorry I didn't respond right away.

EYES:
Had my eyes checked. It seems my job is taking it's toll on my eyesight. I work in a dark room in front of about 50 tv screens and 4 computer screens. So....I've got glasses on the way.

HANDS:
Still have to get checked out. I've pretty much lost the use of my thumb on my right hand.

BRAIN:
I need a therapist. I just need to find one I like. Been dreaming a lot of plane crashes again. Seeing the wreck in the French Alps doesn't help. I've actually had dreams of doing just exactly what that pilot did....plus I seem to be on the verge of tears a lot lately.

I really don't want to go on meds again, but think I may need them. I just wish I knew what happened. I was doing pretty well until a few months ago.

Thought it was all behind me. I guess not.

I feel ashamed...washed up...sad....done......

Tad