Hey Z, I'm new here and not much of a poster, but your situation touched me for a number of reasons, which I won't go into here, but I hope maybe I can offer you some comfort.
First things first, your H behaviour is typical of some men who experience the grief and loss of a loved one, and even more so his behaviour is typical of man who presented in the R and M as he did.
You are wise to ask about his behaviour and how it impacts on your safety, physically and emotionally. And now is the time not necessarily to overreact, but to be cautious with yourself and your safety. H is unpredictable right now.
Your H is in obvious crisis (mental health)
Secondly there is a need to break the pattern. From how you describe your past, in your very detailed post of your history, it would appear that the two of you have a tried and true method of how you reignite and bring meaning and value to each other (code for DRAMA)
I would say your H is expecting you to take your turn to pursue and fix, and in doing so you hope that the loving romantic man who knows you like know other will return , and he will play the grateful H who loves be saved and pursued by you and then eventually he will punish you again likely because he feels vulnerable to you potentially rejecting him his feelings overwhelm him ,and he acts out again.
I have lived this relationship. I know it's nuances.
Your H pattern of behaviours - what they are, only a very good psychologist is likely to known, borderline personality disorder, narcisstic personality disorder, Bi-polar - who knows. This is not for you to know or fix, the responsibility for this falls to his family and friends, if indeed he still has any left in his life.
This is not your responsibility!!!!!!!!!
Please know that his behaviour, his threats, his intimidation his pain, have nothing to do with who you are and how lovable you are!!!!!!!!!!
At this time your role as his intimate partner, significant other, is his trigger, If it was not you he would be playing this out with another partner.
Please know too that I don't doubt that somewhere in his mentally unwell brain, there was and is love.. A love only he understands.
But what you have to come to realise (a lesson hard learned by myself) is this kind of love will eat you up and spit you out....
In time you will come to realise that you chose him because he was like your father (I had one the same), your subconscious playing havoc in only seeking out what is familiar
In time you will come to realise that no matter how much to want to love him and fix him he has to do this for himself. He can't accept your love until he does. Your tipping good love into a bottomless pit. And yourself with it.
In time you will realise that if you love him you need to let him go, because he isn't going to get well with you right now.
Step back from the DRAMA that you and he create together, and find your peace first and let him find his. Love can't exist where DRAMA and FEAR are present.
I hope that has answered some of the whys...
I send you nothing but light and healing love. You can do this!
