Alpha - the future is now!

[alpha99]

Toots) Thanks for giving me a new perspective. Sometimes seeing things written down concisely helps them sink in. I have researched the Stockdale paradox after your post. I see it in my case as having faith things will ultimately work out even if that means in the meantime that W continues with OM, we sell our house, and things continue to look grim. Instead of sitting around waiting for something to happen I am working on myself - clothes, gym, unfavourable personality traits, GAL - and having no expectations.

T0324). Thanks for the insight. I have tried to gleam info from your thread since things appear to have worked out for you. My W hasn't ever spoken in the sense of 'OM and I went to the cinema last night' or 'we are doing X tonight.' She speaks in the past tense regarding the affair but as I noted in a recent post she did use the present tense to describe 'their friendship.'

However I believe you're right, I am engaging in conversation too much with her, particularly regarding OM...

What a difference a day makes! I had the children yesterday and overnight and now I feel a million times better. If I get them a few times a week it is going to change my mood and viewpoint completely. In one day with them I realised something: I don't need my wife but I do NEED my children.

They had a FANTASTIC day with me. We went to the cinema, the park, played games at the house, and then went out for tea, and then played more games. I gave them my FULL attention. My wife appears to be spoiling them with treats and presents at the moment whereas I spoil them with attention.

I believe I am now truly in a position to detach. That may seem a quick turnaround from recent days of crying and doing the wrong things, but those negative things won't happen again. The reason? My children.

For the best part of 2 months I haven't spent a full day or night with them. Now that I have I see that they are more.important than anything. I would like to work things out with my wife but now the feeling of having my family stolen from me is fading as I spend time with the kids, my desperation, and therefore the habit of getting things wrong, the inability to control emotions, is also going to fade. I am in a much better place to pull back, get on with my life, and see what happens. I've read so many times that this is THE ONLY thing you can do at this point.

Again and again I've read I can't control my W, only myself. Although intellectually I've understood that, now I GET IT at a gut level. I have a tinge of sadness still that our family is split now but it's no longer the all conquering thought in my mind. Rather I know I am a great dad, a good person (who plans on becoming a great person), and I will make someone happy in the future. I do hope that's my wife but if not, since I can't make her love me, then I know now I could live with that.

oh, as I've been writing this from my mobile my W has texted saying 'thanks for dropping the kids off on time. Hope they had a good time'

Should I reply saying 'they did' or something similarly short, or just ignore it. My heart says reply but my head is saying just leave it. At this point I'm going to leave it. What do you think?