Thank you, job. It does feel good to be coming back to the land of the living, but it is amazing how sensitive my triggers are to send me backwards.
D14 told me that her dad was asking her questions about why s18 was mad at him. D14 said she wasn't really sure the reason. He suggested that it was bc he "moved back in." She said she didn't know he moved in. But, she had wondered. He asked her if she was mad about that and she said yes. He asked why. She said bc she is a .... He said don't say that about her. Then d14 gave a list of synonyms, to which he continued to say don't say that. Then, she said, Oh are you in love, Dad? Isn't that so cute? He didn't respond to that.
I guess just the fact that he verbalized it, is what is thrusting me backwards. Making me feel anxiety inside. When I really think about it, I guess it is because of that r. What it represents. With whom it is. Is it him that I miss anymore? I don't know. Do I miss our r? Not like I did. But the idea of that..... like daggers through my veins.
It's amazing what his presence does to me. I. CANT. STAND. IT. I am so much better off having him totally out of my life. He is so evil. I wish he didn't have to pull into my driveway. Or be in my area. I just wish he were so far away. Yesterday, he was here early to take d14 to breakfast. So, I had to pull out and drive past him. Luckily there was frost on my windshield still, so I leaned forward so we couln't even see each other. But, dumb things like that, still get to me. More so, the convo w d14. At least he told her. But man, this guy who is only "focusing on the kids" is only focused on the ones who don't live in this house.
Xh and d14 stopped at the pet shop. He wanted to show her the huge snake in there. That gave me a bit of a twinge, knowing he was in there recently. I know it is totally storytelling in my brain, but you know... the whole faux "family" thing... ugh.
Then... apparently, one of xh's brothers is going to be at the same vacation spot as us with his family. I haven't seen nor heard from this person in a very long time, before bd. And, d14 wants to meet up with them. I don't have a problem at all with them. But the idea of "getting away" from this drama seems a little more distant. Aahhh!!!!!
