Here is the roundest description of him I can write. Help me see him (and this) from the outside.
Yr 1: H is working part time and living in a very fun/rent free situation when I meet him. I am taken by his quirkiness, independent views, beauty, 'depth', the way he listens and the way I feel at peace around him. He lets me pursue him and soon starts leaving flowers and gifts at my door. His priorities are a little questionable to me. Four months into our R he gets drunk, jealous, shoves me at a party, verbally abusive and condescending. I break up with him. We get back together after we have a long talk, he apologizes. Says he is intimidated by me. I am popular, a huge flirt. So I work to provide reassurance. Four months later he says he knows we'll be married. We finish an amazing year together that is overall very happy. He has a few tantrums along the way, I suppose I do, too. He goes to lunch with an ex while I am out of town and tries to hide it from me, saying he never mentioned anything bc he didn't want to upset me. This bothers me. I start snooping more and more and he is a little weird and creepy online. Still, we persist. I am crazy about him.
Year 2: We move into together. He loses his job and free space. Starts going through lots of savings, and I am getting agitated and worried. He once ignores me all the way home from an island vacation because I asked him to talk to me about his job search. Later says he did this because he assumed the conversation is building up to me breaking up with him and he couldn't handle it. My friends and family love him though. He always seems a bit uncomfortable holding his own with these groups, though. His comments are off base sometimes, yet incredibly on point and funny at others. His differing education level is something he seems to find painful. We start talking about marriage. There are more than a few times he tantrums when the subject comes up, too. Drives off without me. Got extremely defensive about the time playing video games and not job searching. I am a pain in the ass, and very, very angry. Often. He starts working for a friend and gets fired because of forgetful mistakes that cost the company money. This actually happens twice this year, different jobs. But I love him. At times I am worried, but I see so much potential in him. I catch him complaining about our sex life to an old friend (ex). I'm horrified. We briefly break up, but he holds strong to the position that this isn't wrong of him. I work very hard to put us back together and have some talks until he can see my point of view.
Year 3: I am getting anxious about marriage. And he proposes, but without a ring or job. Still. Disappointed in everything but the sincere words about how excited he is to build our lives together, but I am happy about this, it feels like stability. Later he starts working. There are many moments I think what a better fiance he is than H. Lots of very sweet things, even more than before. We are happily planning our wedding, and he is going to school a bit.
Year 4: Everything is going well, and then the life-changing accident. Hips and knees are destroyed, fractured in so many pieces. He is conscious through the whole thing and before going out on the operating table tells the surgeon he just wants to walk down the aisle for our wedding. It is traumatic, and we have so many friends and family for the next six months or so there for us. I am amazed at how brave and optimistic he is being during this time. It was nearly six months before he took his first step.
Year 5: Our wedding approaches and he things are going so well. We dance, and it is still one of the happiest days I can remember. We have a great honeymoon, delayed months later. And then four months from the return...he is someone else. All the support has dropped off, his tragedy is no longer the first thing people ask about. But when he meets new people, it is the first thing he tells them. It defines him. We start fighting. I am frustrated at his general lack of effort with our home, and am worried about everything that is sitting on my shoulders without any sign of moving. My temper came out frequently.
Year 6: Starts with him blocking my phone calls for a week, all the while pretending everything was fine, and how about we go out to a nice dinner (that you'll pay for?) I am livid when I find out and he makes a comment that I'm reminded of now, "well, I'm not trying to divorce you just yet..." It takes a week and he apologizes. I'm over it though. Not having any more of the poor me, let me explain my point of view to you kind of bs anymore. He's increasingly distant, claims he can't talk to me, I don't care about him. Which is insane to me because he consumes my thoughts, all of his continuing medical worries. During a hip replacement, he screams at me that we should split up, that I make him want to kill himself. I can't believe it. Later that night he writes me how wrong he is. I buy our house for us. He starts treating me with increasing disprespect and apathy. Every once in a while he'll make a big effort at reassuring me that this won't last forever, there is an end in sight and he will be there for me. We talked about kids and he screams I will have to sleep with other men if I want them. Takes him three days to apologize and we're in the middle of a family reunion then. We seem to go along ok, and then one day he retreats into the guest bedroom for two weeks. Refuses affection, flips me off when I try to talk to him - and so I kick him out of the house. We go to a MC for the first time the next week. He says he wants a S and doesn't have any faith in our M.
Over the next twelve weeks (bringing us into year 7), he initiates no contact. I fly up to see him on advice of his friend and we re-connect. I am making my changes to be less critical and more empathetic. He comes home 2 weeks later. On a day by day basis at first, still intensely angry and disappointed. Decides to work on our M. He made that decision. I didn't push him into it.
We 'piece' for two months and there is good communication but we are struggling with emotional fallout and stepping on eggshells is my new thing. He says some awful things during conversations that didn't need to become fights - about questioning why he is in a R with someone he regards as the enemy. That we should see others. That he'll leave me if I persist (in saying whatever I was at the time?). I feel put down, like I'm being made to feel crazy. There are echos of fights I know I've always had with him in this crazy twisting logic, putting me on the defensive all the time. But he is also trying really hard in between these conflicts. And giving me lots of hope. He settled his case and takes me to dinner. Starts tearing up saying how excited he is to provide for us in our retirement. His plans for moving on with his life and beginning work. The lightness he feels. I am amazed. But he backslides two weeks later into a familiar depression and pity party.
He is starting to drive again, short distances. One of these trips is the grocery store. He wants to throw a party so we do, and he will pick up our supplies. But he doesn't and people arrive. I make the best of it when I get home and take care of it while he entertains. After they leave I ask him what happens, and point out all the evasion and twisting he is doing. He throws things at me, destroys my phone, slams the door into me as I leave that night. Never says a word about it the next few days when I return and runs up my debit card going out one night. I confront him with my roommate and he says our R has never been good, it's not just his behavior I have a problem with (that means it's him) and we just need to part ways. The next day giggles on the couch like not a thing is wrong. The following day lets me see him crying and muttering stuff about how I don't want him there. I hold firm, no, these are your choices..."you're changing the subject."
And he's gone.
What has happened, what has this been?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
