Someone is going to have to explain this one to me. An outside point of view, something I can put a nice neat bow around and move on.
I think I'd been holding out hope that the lack of communication from H (we've been NC for a week) meant that maybe he was considering something himself. The change of address forms arrive in my mailbox an hour ago. So, no. Him asking a mutual guy friend to go out and have a beer? No. The idea that H might be looking at his choices and what he's losing - I must accept that he doesn't.
Please explain to me:
1. Why he was so happy about us the day before? I mean, good lord, I was upset about an errand he didn't do and all of his excuses. Why the rage and above-anything-I'd ever known physical intimation, the coldness afterward, the apathy? Why did he sabotage this when he claimed to be so happy to be home?
2. Did he just not care for me any more romantically? Is this why the letters during our S, the ones about how I couldn't be the person he was looking for? Did it all come crashing down for him, a chance to not be the 'bad guy' and go after a more hopeful life?
3. The lack of remorse about the whole thing - has anyone ever acted like a complete devil to their ex when breaking up, like beyond the realm of decency? I keep racking my brain how this could be.
4. Me - I know I don't want to be with a partner that I have to keep dragging along the path (my counselor's analogy) but there were so many years he did try so hard. The total effect makes me feel like I was the one that let him down. I know I must have a fix-it compulsion. Certainly H had a touch of dependency/helplessness going on...I read my lists of his concerning behaviors, all the reasons this person would be so difficult to build a life with. Why am I hung up on him. The wedding pictures, the letters about how happy he was. I feel like I failed during piecing. I know I should not blame myself. But it also seems ridiculous to keep looking at evidence of H's BPD, character flaws, abuse and saying this couldn't have ended any other way. My friends and family are all about writing him off. They felt sponged off of. Why can't I be at piece with rejection from him? I feel as though he should have been bending over backwards trying to save our M. Not to sound like a complete narcissist, but I brought so much to the table and loved him beyond reason. He told me he found me beautiful, admired me so much. How could he just rage, go cold and brush his hands of me like I was nothing?
V, the fat lady hasn't entered the stage yet, but she's warming up the vocals. I need to accept it. I just want to feel good about it, somehow. Not used, discarded, bitter, confused.
Who was this person? What was real? What was he faking, for how long, and why does any of it matter to me?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
