Lorelai: My waking life

[Lorelai]

Hi TO,

Thanks for checking in. That's so sweet of you! I've been reading everyone's updates but not posting as much. I'm so happy for how everything is going in your marriage. I think about your situation a lot when I get really angry at the way my H is acting toward me and the way you held your head up high no matter how things turned out. You truly are an inspiration!

Things have been up and down. I had an interview the other day for a job I really, really want the other day that would be perfect in terms of growth and setting up a decent future for me and the kids. It's right near my house so this huge life change it looks like we're about to experience wouldn't be as bad because there wouldn't be some huge commute or horrible hours or both where I would hardly see my kids, which is one of my fears.

I feel 50/50 about my chances of getting the job. H meanwhile is mean as ever. My 4-year-old, BTW, she's my D, not my S—I was a little nervous about being discovered on here when I first joined, so I shifted certain identifying details around. But it becomes a pain to post, because I'm always thinking D and writing S, even though she's a bit of a tomboy so her behaviors and activities almost line up with an S4!

Anyway, my daughter has been asking A LOT of questions about Daddy lately. Yesterday she questioned why I was using his dresser drawer, a couple of days before she grabbed a photo of him and said she wanted to use it to make a new dad so we could all be a family, and since H got sick the same week he told her he wasn't living with us anymore (we had been saying he was working because he travels a lot) she thinks he's coming home after he gets "better." When I told H all of this, he said maybe the kids would rather have him in the home instead of me and that's why D4 is saying all these things, so maybe I should move out into an apartment. I nearly spit my coffee across the room, but I managed to stay calm and make it clear that wasn't an option. I've also seen an attorney in the past month or so and he advised to not under any circumstances take H up on his offer to have me move out so he can move back in with the kids, which I would never do. I can't leave my children!

So that's where I'm at. I'm longing to untie myself financially from H other than child support so I can set better boundaries. I also am accepting the possibility of an OW. My sister said when H moved out it's almost always the case--if not a PA, at least an EA or the IDEA of someone else. My H has spent a lot of time with his female boss who I used to think wasn't a threat because she's married with kids, but now I'm not so sure. Last week when he had the girls he took them on yet another playdate with her at this indoor playground at the mall. My D4 told me later. I was upbeat in m response, hiding my distain for this woman, "Wow! That's great!"

Thanks again for checking in!