Coming Home

[mleigh4]

It has been a week since I have posted and all is calm on the home front.

Last weekend was busy for me. On Saturday I had a funeral for a friend's father. The services were really nice, more of a celebration and reflection on his life. Their house was the hang out house and they had 4 kids, so the place was packed with mainly the children's friends! There was a lot of story telling and laughing.

Then I was off to my good friends 50th bday party. This was the one H had said he might go to, but he actually decided to spend the time having S over instead. I was relieved, I wanted to just go to the party and enjoy myself, and not be distracted by him being there. And enjoy myself I did! Had a great time. I was prepared for questions about H and I. I decided I would just reply, it's complicated but I am doing great. But you know what? No one asked about H. Everyone asked how I was doing, I would say great, and every single person answered back that I looked really good. One good and old friend of mine pulled me aside at one point. He wanted to tell me that he had noticed that I looked really happy, and that it made him really happy to see that I was doing so well. It made my night. These are old and dear friends that I have known for 25 years. We have seen each other through good and bad times, and they saw me at my lowest last year.

Good old Jose was also at the party. He is also a very old friend, but now hangs out with H a lot. I could see he was watching me a bit and I was just having fun and being me. At the end of the night, we were sitting together and talking. He told me, boy, you are livin large! Not really sure what he meant but I just answered I am living life and having fun, with a big smile

Sunday morning I woke up having withdrawals from S, so I got up and kept busy with grocery shopping and cleaning. Picked up S from H about 11 and had a relaxing Sunday.

The work week has been good. There was a little more confusion about the schedule for S, but H and I handled it without any big blow ups. I notice we both assume the other knows what we mean, but we don't. We have such a huge lack of communication. But we went over the schedule and seem to be on the same page now! We will see how this week goes.

On my S free nights I keep myself busy doing errands. I went to the nursery and got some beautiful flower baskets along with flowers and veggies to plant. I have been waiting all week to get my hands on them and getting ready to do the planting now! I have been scheduling landscapers to come out and give me quotes on my rock garden. S and I have plans to visit a local amusement park and see a movie this weekend. Busy but all fun stuff planned.

As far as where I am at, I have realized my focus has really turned to being about me and my own journey. I am no longer consumed about where H is at on his. I mean, I think about it, but I guess I am more concerned about where I am at. After last weekend, I again realized what a good place I am in. I have worked so dang hard to get here and still have a ways to go. If H approached me today and said he wants to come home, my first thought is no, not yet, I am too happy right now. Let's wait a while longer. Then I think, what the heck does that mean? I suppose it's not so much about H, but about me. I have been given this space and time, whether I wanted it or not, and will use it to find myself again. I got so lost in being a mom and wife, I lost me. I feel myself coming back, a new me mixed with the old, a wiser and more loving me, but still need time. So I am seeing how the DB process works, how this becomes about our own journey, not all about theirs. I still hope H and I can find our way back to each other, but not yet. I am enjoying this time right now.

I also have to say that I feel lucky and grateful that even though H left, he is putting money into our account on his own, I have not had to remind him once. I am grateful that S and I have our home, that is huge to us and we couldn't do it without H's help. I see the horror stories on here and know he could be making it tough for us.

So all good here, PMA remains high. I have my ups and downs still, I miss my old H. I plugged in a digital frame that has been stashed away for a few years and the pictures are of our marriage, honeymoon and S just being born. Wow. Brought back a lot of memories. And ya. We were happy, no matter what H says now. Those were good times he can never take away from me. He can rewrite history all he wants. I know we had something special, and hopefully, still do.