Getting back to me

[mustardseed]

Work has been crazy stressful. I am so distracted and I don't know which way is up. I have wanted this job for so long and now that I have it I am regretting it. The parts of my job that I am very good at is not enough, and the other pieces are just too much for me to handle. There aren't enough hours in the day, and when I was devoting all of my time to getting it in order, my kids were suffering. When I started focusing more on my family the job suffered.

I was given the heads up that when my contract is up I will probably be let go. It gives me a few months to try and turn things around, but frankly I don't know if I have it in me. Part of me was relieved to hear that, the other part is devastated and completely panicked. Now what? I devoted so much time and money into this career path and now that I finally made it I am feeling like it is the completely wrong fit. Or maybe just the wrong time. I don't know. I am feeling old to be starting over. And right now I am starting over in every way possible.

I am so distracted by everything going on in my life that I am not handling anything well anymore. I thought I was going to have a stroke this week with all of the stress. I ended up talking to H, just to unload a bit. The first time was when I was panicking about deadlines, we both shared some of our work stress with each other and it was kind of a nice bonding moment. Maybe not quite bonding, but a little bit of an open door. But then I made the mistake yesterday of telling him that I will probably lose my job in a few months. He has been having a stressful week, too. He feels more stuck in his job then I do in mine. I think that me losing my job makes him feel like everything is falling back onto his shoulders--whether we are married or not. I plan on finding another job ASAP--probably in a different field or maybe just go back to doing what I do well even though it doesn't pay well, but at the same time, I am not going to quit. I will go down with the ship. Part of the frustrating part is that I don't know if it is just the timing of this position was wrong. In some ways it was so right--I needed the distraction and the financial support. In other ways it was so wrong--there is no way to be successful in this field your first year without devoting 100% of your time to it, but my family also needed that time. I also think that for a first year position it was wrought with unusual circumstances--there was little planning in how it was all going to work out. I was hired because they thought I could get things off the ground with little direction, and apparently I did not take as much initiative as was expected. There were so many pieces that I was not prepared to handle, and it made other things that should have been no-brainers fall to the wayside.

I am dreading the next few months. I hate that everything in my life is falling apart. I hate that right now I feel like there is nothing I can count on. I know there are lessons to be learned in all of this. I just don't know what they are right now. And I don't know where to put what little energy I have left at the moment. Do I throw everything into trying to save this sinking ship of a job, of a marriage, of a family? How do I know where my focus needs to be? I still don't know what to do about my living situation. I don't know if I should go forward with the D or if I should continue to wait for H to do it. I don't know if I should move out or wait until I have to. I haven't been able to eat and I am tired all of the time.

I was always a pretty optimistic person and lately I feel like I am just so defeated all of the time.