sandi2- Again, wow. I've a question. In your sitch, did you ever leave your H or intended to? I'm asking because the WW of many LBH here have admitted to the affair and left the marital home. For them, it's not a matter of getting a little fulfillment on the side, but of giving up on their H and changing partner altogether. I wonder if it makes a difference in how we should approach the sitches or if it's just splitting hair.
Did I leave my H? In every way! Except, moving physically out of the house. (I even left the night everything hit the fan, not knowing if I would return.) I had my hand on the doorknob for several months. That is how close it came. I had began saving things and planning logistics. OM was even going to financially help me. Wasn't that nice of him? Until I actually discovered how much he was willing to give up. . (One of the first signs I had that something stunk in the fantasy castle.)
As for as how the H should approach the stitch if his WW has separated from him to live in another house, I am inclined to say basically no differently. The only exception, maybe, applying what MWD calls the "after the LRT tecnique", which is going completely dark. Many find it almost impossible where the couple coparents their children. Either way, I believe the tougher side of love must be applied with a wayward, regardless where she resides.
Let me refer back to something you said about the WW who does not leave the home. (This may open the door for yet a new line of discussion.) Your reference to the W who does not leave the home being a "matter of just getting fulfillment on the side". I appreciate you saying it this way, b/c I am never certain how the other person may interpret some of these topics, and especially if I am doing the posting.
First, I want to clarify that I believe an emotional affair, and even a physical affair for a woman, begins by a having some type of unfulfilled need in her M. (Some other posters may want to reply if they disagree). I know we see movies where they show a faithful wife being so physically attracted to another man, it just pulls her into an A with him. All the makings for a screen love story. I think that is more Hollywood and less the norm. I will add, that Hollywood has certainly influenced the thinking in our society, but human nature being what it is, I have my doubts it changed everything.
From what I have seen and read, and in my personal stitch, the woman has had unmet emotional needs for a long time. Granted, there are some who may have always had a wayward nature, who are seeking nothing but a thrill on the side. But for the majority of stories we see come through the forum, the W is not wayward by nature and her behavior is completely uncharacteristic. She is often referred to as a good person and wonderful mother, and the H never saw this coming.
This may be a woman who becomes vulnerable in her emotional needs and succumbs to temptation, but still it is a choice and not just acted on from uncontrolled animalistic lust. If I am totally ignorant in this line of thinking, I trust someone will set me straight.
On the other hand, it may be a woman who is filled with such negative feelings for her H that she reacts by engaging in a wayward lifestyle that just shouts "rebellion". It doesn't necessarily have to be an affair, that's just what we see as the common denominator here on the forums. An affair is such a personal betrayal to her H/M.
Listen, when I first came here, I couldn't stand to hear the men refer to themselves as the "betrayed". My attitude was like, "Oh please! Get over yourself!". Now you tell me Mozza, was I bad.... or was I really bad? I never left my house, but It was more serious than me finding fulfillment on the side. Sadly, an very unlike me, I did not take it seriously in the first move I made in that direction. Does that make sense? In some cases, it becomes more complicated for women, at least, b/c it involves attitudes and a very bad mindset of a person who has given up on her H.
Not to get away from a wayward, but even for the WAW who is not wayward and may have legit reasons for leaving, has given up on her H, IMHO. That is why she's a WAW. The MR has gone badly and her hope that it will ever change just runs out.
The most basic decision made in how the H should approach with a WAW, IMO, is based on the fact she is either wayward.... or she's not.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
. (One of the first signs I had that something stunk in the fantasy castle.) 