New thread, more fallout from W's MLC! I spoke with STBXW today. Seems that she has set herself up as D15's custodial parent and "isn't sure" if I'm allowed to go with my D when she is supposed to have a once a month meeting with the IC! I told her that I WILL be involved in this but W hinted that D15 doesn't want me to be a part of her counciling thru this. That she has be trying to get d to "talk" to me. I know exactly what this is about. A big part of what is bothering my d is going back and forth from my home to her mom's every other week. She feels like she has no home at all. Of course this week by week was W's idea and from the start I thought it was going to be hard on her. When I said this to W she freaked out saying I was trying to take her d away from her and turn her against her. So, I let it go. Now she has put her in school across the street from her house. My D's new friends, school events, the majority of her life is now around her mothers home. I live 30 miles away and it's so far from her school and friends. D15 told me that when she is at her moms, her mom doesn't come home until late most nights and that she avoids talking to her because all she does is yell at her. Of course being 15 she likes that she knows she has the house to herself until late, no supervision. So, now she is going to want to stay with her mother during the school week and only be with me on weekends. This isn't mind reading. This is what is going to happen.
My W stopped being a mother to both her kids years ago. So now I'm supposed to just say she gets custody? If I truly felt that it was best for my d I'd do it but its not. And to top it off it was her mothers refusing to care about her kids welfare and only thinking of what SHE wanted and not what was best for her D's that put her in the position of having to split living between two places! Those of you who have MLCers who left you with the kids are lucky. To my W it's like she won.
I will not let my W moving so far away, destroying her M, caring more about herself and what SHE wants than what is best for her kids push my D15 out of my life. I know that part of why my D is ok with staying with her mother is because she knows that if she needs me I will be there for whether she's with me or her mom. Her mom acts like when she's with me it's all up to me. Heck, even when she's with her mom I'm the one she calls if she is sick at school or if it's raining and she needs a ride..... whatever. It's like she knows I won't stop if she lives with her mom. I'm the one who takes her and her friends to the movies and concerts. Sets up ways for her to see her sister. Who teaches her how to drive and is there to talk to and cares about her. She talks about how "crazy" her mom is. How she doesn't understand her like I do. But at 15 being able to see her boyfriend alone after school is more important. That and she knows if and when she REALLY needs me ill drop everything and be there.
I don't want to lose my time with her. I am losing everything important to me because I M someone so screwed up. I am tired. I am sick of getting dumped on while my stbxw laughs on the phone talking about needing her permission to get involved in my D's problems. Time for me to go to that school and talk to them and let them know my W does NOT have sole custody and I MUST be contacted and kept in the know about what is going on. I'm pissed now. And I don't care if anything I do will make my stbxw worse off.
Agreed. I can think of no state that would allow that either. Stop listening to your STBXW as well. It provides no value to listen to her.
Pick up the phone and get a new lawyer. AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I agree, D15 and W may have a fit but as a parent ... yanno the one who has his wits and the best interest of the child in mind... its your obligation to ensure your child's safety regardless of who is pisses off.
Hi Wonka, AJ and Cali, At this point I have no faith that the legal system is going to do anything helpful. The reason that I agreed to the week by week thing is because my L (yes, he isn't that good of a L but...) said that it was the best that I could expect in my state. That the standard that the court gives fathers is 2 weekends a month and every other holiday. That the only way I can ever expect better was if W agreed or my D told the court she wanted to live with me. If I go to court and my D says that she wants to live with her mother, there is no way I'll stop it. Not unless I can prove that my W is "abusive" towards her. This country has become enabling to people who act like so many MLCers do. Especially with women who are being told constantly that unless they are "independent" they are somehow not "self actuated" and act like if they do what my W did, the H must have been somehow holding her back or wasn't "supportive" of her "needs".
If a man did what my W has done then they are a-holes who never were committed to their families. If our roles were reversed, I would have had full custody from the start and any judge would be throwing the book at me and dressing me down in court.
I do not care if my W gets pissed or not. I don't care if she doesn't like what I'm doing. That is NOT my concern. My concern is doing something that will make the situation worse. I have tried to be supportive of my D's relationship with her mother. I do not share my concerns about how her mothers actions can effect her. I don't "bad mouth" her, put her down. Quite the opposite I make sure that when she's angry at her mother and gets upset, I usually end up saying that I'm sure her mother loves her. I don't talk about how what her mother did and is still doing has hurt me (although I'm sure she knows much). The fact is if her mother had cared at all about her well being she wouldn't have done what she did. She didn't just leave me, she broke up a family at just about the worse time for my D. She didn't care how she hurt her kids, me, our families. She has said things like "D doesn't hurt kids" which has now been shown to be just a bunch of bull that she says to make herself feel less guilty.
I'm so sick of my W acting like an a$$ and getting her way. I'm always the one who is being pushed out, caused problems because of what SHE wants. (Like I am the one who has to drive 120 miles extra every day to get my D to and from school because she moved so far). She needs to be the one who for once pays the price for her actions. It's always the people around her like me and my D's that suffer because of her crap. Not only am I worried about making things worse, I have no money to get a new lawyer. If I could I'd move far away like Heather did and take my D's with me but until my D15 is old enough I can't. D15 has been through enough already. How we handle things now is so important and I don't trust my W one bit to do what is best for anyone but herself! I do not need this right now! I was making progress, getting my life together but every time, something kicks me back. I try not to let it but it's already hard enough with all the changes in my life. Where is the justice in all this?
Matt I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. Justice does come in the long run but maybe not right now.
Your D's see a father who loves them and is trying very hard to parent under difficult circumstances. You are the first man in their life and by staying present for them you are accomplishing so much more than you realize.
Sometimes when parenting teens the best thing you can do is stand your ground no matter what chaos surrounds the child. I think you are showing them through your actions what love is and what family means to you.
Hang in there.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Have you picked up the phone and talked with other lawyers? Have you? Back in the late 60's, my father got sole and full physical custody of me. He fought for me. He was my true hero. He faced more obstacles than the modern man does nowadays.
Thanks Gwen, I needed to hear that right now. Yesterday I worked a chili cook off sponsored by the company I just started working for. It was actually enjoyable. I spoke with one of the people I work with. He asked about my W and the D. He asked if it was my idea. I was honest and I told him that it wasn't. If I had my way my family wouldn't be going thru all that we are. He told me that when he was 13 his father left his mother after 25 years of M. That neither of them were ever the same after and in the end, his mother ended up killing herself and his father drinking himself to death. He told me that if there was one thing that he would say it was don't let it destroy you. He watched his father end up leaving the woman he left his mom for. Saw how much he hurt and how he regretted what he had done. How his mother was never the same, never able to trust anyone again. How they became trapped by the choices his father made. He ended up being raised by his grand parents who, even though his GF had just had surgery, came out because he cooked the red chili and they wanted to support him. His chili won 3rd place by the way.
How much do you want to bet that his father was in MLC? I think more and more men and women are ending up in crises. How do they live with themselves after all the hurt they cause? How can they be so blind to or un caring about the pain their journey causes those that actually love them? How is it that anyone can truly believe that the answer to their inner pain is to cause so much pain to those that have loved them for who they are? These are the questions that haunt me not just in my own sitch but in so many of the sitchs of those on this board I've come to know (and in many cases like and admire). So many really good people who get their lives turned upside down by weak minded, scared, damaged people.
My D15 was so far from the kind of person who would hurt herself until her mother moved her out of the only home she had ever known, separated her from her sister and took her father away from her for 1/2 the time. Until her mother's choices took her away from all her friends and threw her into a sitch where she was totally alone in a school that was as different from what she knew all her life until that point as possible. Watched her mother act like a child and be so selfish. Watched her let her father who has treated her mother, father, sister and her with distain all her life tell her that being a wife and mother was "beneath" her and a waste of her life....and her mother Agree with him!
When my D15 was 12 and her sister 15, one day we were all together hanging out one Sunday morning. This was when my W was really starting going into her MLC. The girls had been talking about whether their mom had a "favorite" and they both agreed that my oldest was their mom's favorite and told her so. My W said that wasn't true that she loved them both equally, blah, blah. Then my W told a story. She said that the moment our oldest was born she felt this total love like she had never felt before. How it was so profound and like nothing she had ever felt before.....or since. So, my youngest asked what about when she was born? Didn't she feel it for her, too? So my W says to all of us that unlike with our oldest, she not only didn't feel the same, but that she "didn't even like her". That it took "..a long time..." for her to "..warm up.." to her. You should have seen the look on my D's faces...both of them. Even my oldest couldn't believe that her mother could say something like that to her sister! When my W saw how hurt my younger D was, she quickly added "But I did warm up to you and I love you just the same as your sister now". By then the damage was done. All my D heard her say was that she loved her sister and didn't even like her. To this day my W treats my oldest differently than my younger D. This is the kind of thing that causes kids to self-harm. Now my W thinks that she can keep me out of my D's IC, that she has a right to tell me that I can't meet with her counselor like she does? The he!! with that!
I pick up my D from my W today. I am going to tell my W that she needs to email me the names of the people she has spoken to at my D's school and the name and contact info for the counselor she is going to see. I am going to contact these people and let them know that my W does not have the legal authority to stop me from having access to any and all info regarding my D15. That she is NOT her guardian or custodial parent, we BOTH are, and they have to keep me informed and I WILL meet with her IC as often as her mother does and if they don't want to do this I will have my lawyer contact them. My W and her selfish crap is the biggest cause of the problems my D15 is having. I will not allow her to make things worse by pushing me out of her treatment!
Wonka, I have spoken to other lawyers who have told me how "lucky" I am that my W was "allowing" me to have so much access to my D. At the time I had almost no income and that alone was going to cause problems with my getting custody. Of course at that time my D wasn't self harming. Things have changed now that she has started acting out. I am going to contact my D's IC and school councilors and also give my W a chance to do the right thing and not try and freeze me out of the process. I am also having to deal with the IRS as I have a deadline coming up fast on that as well. If my D15 says that she wants to stay with her mother I will explain to her why I don't think that is best. If my W tries to stop me from having her I will fight with everything I have. My w has a lot more money but I really don't think that when push comes to shove she will be that motivated to spend the time and money to fight me. I really believe the only reason she didn't allow me full custody at the start was because she didn't want to pay child support. At this point I believe she is crazy enough to think that she isn't hurting D15 by the way she has acted (like leaving her home alone so often).
I am not just going to give up. I just have to figure out the right way to do this. If my W doesn't give me the info I ask for, tries to cut me out of my D's treatment I will withdraw our agreement and let her know that I will be going to court. Maybe seeing that she will be delaying what my W thinks is the "Holy Grail" to finding her "joy", getting the D finalized, maybe she will back off.
