FIDO - Changing The Rules - Pt 1

[sandi2]

I don't know if it will be helpful, but in the last post I have on my thread, as of now, I shared some of my own struggles I had with remorse.

I was much like you have described your own W. I don't think I actually said it, but had the attitude of "It happened, so move on". I read posts from LBH's expressing how important the WW's apology was to the H. In fact, I think the first encounter I had with "Puppy" was over the WW's apology, when I made some sarcastic statement about the LBH not holding his breath waiting for it. You can imagine Pup's reaction.

I am not patting myself on the back, by any stretch of the imagination, when I say I reached the point of praying to feel remorseful. That is how bad it was for me. Not trying to push anything down anyone's throat about it, either. I had a Christian background/foundation, so I knew it was needed for me, but at the time, I just did not feel any remorse for my actions. Probably due to the other bad stuff in my heart at the time.

I sincerely can't remember the number of months it took before I finally went to my H, crying so hard he could barely understand what I was saying. Oh! Did I feel remorseful! Then I thought I would die from it, and had to pray that God would ease up a little. No, just kidding a little about God letting up.

I will admit that it has been much harder to forgive myself. I had made progress, but I've learned that sometimes something happens and it triggers the guilt and/or shame. When my mother passed away three months ago, it triggered those feelings of deep regret and sorrow for my wayward behavior. Once again, the people on this board came and put their arms around me, and talked me through it.

Btw, I don't hang around this place out of feelings of guilt. It is b/c somewhere along the way, I hope to help those, like you, who have been so hurt by a WW like me.

((NH)). Don't give up on her. I can so relate with your W. I don't usually tell newcomers this, but maybe I should. It was probably about two years, as best I can remember, for me to accomplish what I call, "the hard work", which was getting through the withdrawals; taking complete responsibility for my actions; being truely remorseful; really forgiving my H for everything; letting go of the past; finding peace to live with myself; and finally being able to get our MR back on track. So even if you have to S, don't give up on her just yet.