Quick question for you all: Last time I saw H he said "people don't change""we're not compatible." While I was able to write it off in my own mind (non of what they say), I struggled to find the right words to respond. Any thoughts on that (in case he says it again)?
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I certainly wouldn't try and reason with him or challenge him on it. I think that's a cheeseless tunnel and it would be 'words' rather than actions.
However, telling him about what you are up to now may 'show' some of your changes. And I wonder if you want to 'show' rather than tell. Not in an obvious way of course, but if he always thought you dressed conservatively and you have now taken up burlesque, it may open his eyes a little.
Are you doing things yourself now that you never (and maybe he never) would have thought you would do? What were his main concerns about why you 'weren't compatible?'
But I think the main thing is to aim for a light, fun time. And for him to remember that he enjoys your company and perhaps has missed it. And for it to be evident that you are moving forwards without him and that will continue..
Last edited by Toots; 03/27/1509:13 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I would simply say, "I think differently. I think people are not static. People do grow and evolve, if it's their desire to do so." And leave it at that. Planting a small seed in the WAS' mind.
Quick question for you all: Last time I saw H he said "people don't change""we're not compatible." While I was able to write it off in my own mind (non of what they say), I struggled to find the right words to respond. Any thoughts on that (in case he says it again)?
How about "How come we grew apart then?"
But there is nothing to say. He's not saying this because he thinks so but because it is serving his purpose. He did not have a long think about whether people change, he had an urge to leave and then built up a rationale to justify it. Should you give him any opposition, he'll likely dig in his heels. I would just validate, "Yes, I see what you mean". That should surprise him a little. Let him work this idea in his head, let him feel you're letting him go.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks everyone, that's helpful. I agree, Toots, I need to make this light and fun. That's always the goal. The rate limiting step tends to be H - it doesn't feel like he can have fun (with me). I'm curious to see how he is doing a few months on. Really need to re-connect/re-attract. Any thoughts there would be great. Kinda feel like I need to go into it like I'm meeting him for the first time...
In other news, this morning I went on my first training hike with a potential team for Oxfam Trailwalker. Wasn't sure if I would make it to the start point at 7am as I've had a rough week on the jet lag front. I was supposed to be heading to Tanzania next Wednesday but I'm glad to be putting that off for another week. Even treated myself to a remedial massage last night as the last long haul left me with a sore upper back. Seriously, you guys are FAR away!
Hope everyone is well.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Wonderful yin (yoga) session this evening to close out the weekend. I think I am finally back on track re jet lag.
Wonder what this week's meetup with H will bring...? Feeling pretty relaxed about it really. Just want to enjoy the time with him. I treated myself to a nice sexy but stylish CK Jeans outfit and bright pink nail polish for the occasion.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
(For those just joining: meet ups every 2-3 months since separation Jun 2014, tonight was the first time I saw H since Dec 2014 with 1-2 texts since then, apparently no committed OW. Generally detached and good PMA with pretty good GAL. Few backslides except the occasional pity party, generally self-inflicted).
... ... ... ... THE SKINNY: Well that was a disaster. The punch line: I went running after, gave him a hug, and finished by saying I will expect to see the papers in the mail come June. No wait...I called him back after I got home and said that I think I failed to convey that regardless of how this ends I did enjoy our time together. He wanted to end the call since it's been a long night. He did say "he's got a lot to think about" a few times during the evening.
... ... ... ... THE LOW DOWN: Usual chit chat for a while until he says it: his new years resolution was to have a better relationship with me, though he doesn't really know what that involves.
Now call me stupid but I took that as a positive signal....
So I said something to the effect of: thank you for sharing that with me. Something I've been wondering about was if we might maybe meet up a bit more regularly?
To which he said: What do you mean?
To which I said: Like sometimes I see things that would be fun to do and I think about calling you and asking if you wanted to come.
To which he said: No he doesn't want that.
To which I said: errr.....so can you clarify what you mean when you say you'd like to have a better relationship with me?
He couldn't and then I should have STFU.
The subsequent conversation went around in circles. He wants to be friends, doesn't want a romantic relationship (doesn't see how things could be different, we're just different people), but since we spent a long time together feels like that should count for something ("society demands it", "plenty of other people are friends with their Xs"). I said well no, not really interested in that as you've hurt me a lot. Can go separate ways if we want (no kids, no major assets), not really getting much out of "friendship" as is though.
Since I'd already dug my hole I figured I may as well get more info. I asked flat out if he was seeing anyone right now - sounds like no but he "has been on a few dates". I asked if the dating started before we separated - he said no (and gave me a big stare). He asked if I had been dating and then added gee its been 10 months surely you've been dating - I said I didn't want to get into it. (He made a few references throughout the night about how he wasn't sure how much we should sharing with each other).
I said - so when we first separated you said you didn't know what the outcome would be. I asked if his position had changed. He said he didn't understand what I meant. I clarified. He repeated that he didn't understand the question. Long story short I basically coerced him into saying the words "we will be getting a divorce" though he never used the word "divorce" until after I spelled it out to him. Gah!
He did reinforce that the biggest issues were: - I don't listen and he'd given up on telling me how he feels because there was no point* - we had no outside interests, there was just the relationship - work life balance was an issue for me** * this boils down to what he thinks he conveyed vs what I think he conveyed. I agree that I was not always giraffe ears, but I also think he was a Nice Guy. In other words, we both have things to work on. ** I'll own my part in bringing home work stress and having a job that takes me away 2-3 times a year (so does he). I do draw the line in a lot of areas though (rarely working at nights/weekends, turning email off on weekends). I feel like he has unreasonable expectations yet never did we sit down and talk about what changes needed to be made to save the R. And certainly when we first met I was freaking vet student so busy all the time.
I did convey: - yep - I appreciate that it may have seemed that I wasn't listening at times (though my attempt to use an example may have backfired) - yep - emotional fusion - common problem in long term relationships and help is available for couples like us...which is why this is so frustrating to me (he never did read Passionate Marriage) - I'm not asking him to come back to an unhappy marriage - why not try hanging out a bit more and seek how it goes - no expectations (was the gist of my original response to his new years resolution)
So yeah...after he left, I ran after him and said this may be the last time so we may as well hug. It was a long hug that was reciprocated. And then I called him after I got home. There was confusion on the call - he seems to think that he always responded to my emails/texts since we separated. My experience is different.
... ... ... So confusion all round. Not my best DBing and frankly I'm pretty close to done. I look across the table at him and feel like I've been here before - a partner who is not willing to work on the M even now things are out in the open.
I feel like this was my final showdown. Sure there was pursuit but I left the ball squarely in his court. Take it or leave it. He says he's leaving it though I swear he keeps adding something to the effect of "not right now".
It hurts to know that he says he was feeling so hurt and that I didn't recognise this while we were M...and that I can't convey my remorse over that. That hurts more than the pain he's put me through the past 10 months to be honest (though he said multiple times that I'm a nice person). Maybe I am just in the "too little, too late" camp.
Please, I need some 2 X 4s as well as a new way forward. Thoughts very appreciated. Total NC has not changed much in 10 months. A 180 would be to engage more frequently but to do so would ignore the fact that he just told me he does't want to increase interaction and will file come June (though it seems I just pushed him in that direction).
I don't think my heart will recover if he files. I think that will be the end for me.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
