Thanks toots. I know the last part was not good, because it's still circling. I just want to truly "get" and understand my W. That's the only base of a new R with her that would make thibgs possible at all. That's why I want to do sth in regards to get to know her love language better and how she really is. Complex, you want a "game plan", correct? That means you need a GOAL, and a plan to achieve that goal. But the goal cannot be to reconcile with your wife.
Sounds sad and harsh, I know. But this^^ is ALL about you wanting something you cannot necessarily ever have. For now, I think you must forget her.
The goal FOR NOW must be exclusively about your own growth as a man. Becoming the best man you can become. DEFINE that in specific terms you understand.
Get some "mantras" or inspiring quotes for yourself, and SAY them out loud to yourself several times a day. Turn your marriage over to God, to free yourself to just work on YOU.
Behave in healthy confident ways and eventually, you will FEEL healthier and more confident. In TIME, your life will improve.
The improved life you create for yourself must and will be enough for you.
What your wife does or believed about the new wonderful you, is far beyond your control. Any efforts on your end to affect that, are for nothing. They are wasted energy.
That energy (the energy spent on worrying about her OR in trying to convince her of anything about you) is a waste of energy. Spend ALL of your energy on becoming the best man you can become. The reality of who you become, will suffice. It MUST suffice. If she believes you are a purple lesbian from Mars, you may not be able to change that belief but you cannot let it change the reality that you are a man with great qualities. Her beliefs will NOT be based on reality, her "data" about you will be false.
That fact, that you become a better man and great husband (for someone) has to be enough for you. Because it is real. If you keep in touch with her family or other mutual friends, word will get back to her.
THAT^^ is all you ought to "do", b/c it happens to align with your goal of becoming the best man you can become. NOT to win her back but b/c you want to self actualize.
Is this^^ too fuzzy or too vague?
Maybe this effort will be for nothing, I don't know. I just think it is essential, but is it more of a topic when already piecing?
The effort to understand her now, and to "get" her and to make her understand (anything) that you love her, is ALL for nothing. Worse, it's actually counter productive.
It means your energy is "outward bound" instead of being about YOUR own growth and YOUR Changes. You'll keep checking in with her to "See if she knows that I feel X" and you'll keep on checking her temperature to see if "she knows Y and Z" and your energy will continue to hone in only on HER reactions to your behavior.
That is no way to live and it sure won't re-attract her to you. If it worked, it would have by now. Go inward for the changes you need to make, and outward to GAL.
Get her off your radar screen...for now and the foreseeable future. Turn the marriage over to God, & simply completely take charge of your own life.
When you become the best man you truly can be, and you know it,
then you can turn ALL of this over to God, let the cards fall where they will,
and be at peace.
From this day forward, Hold your head high and live your life well.
How does that^^sound as your game plan?
I don't know about Complex, but I think that sounds like a pretty awesome game plan for almost any left-behind or betrayed spouse on the forum!!!
