I have spent the past few days immersed in some serious bible study and prayer, and as a result my eyes have been opened to some blessings that have occurred in my life since BD.
To be very clear -- I know we are still in this mess for the long-haul and that W and I still have our own individual journeys to take through her MLC... We are still moving towards separation/divorce, I am still focusing on getting a full-time job (had a great interview last week) so I can move out, W is still in a major MLC with no awareness of her need to focus inward to solve her problems, and W's (escape fantasy) EA with OW is still going strong. God has not worked any huge miracle in our life -- but God is working on many things throughout this sitch and I wanted to share those things here as a way to recognize and give God some praise for doing these things in my/our lives.
I also posted this in the Prayer Circle thread in the Infidelity forum, but felt the need to share it here as well. What I failed to mention in the original post over in the other forum is another huge blessing with the awesome job interview that I had last week. That interview was amazing, and it also opened my eyes to how God has been working in my life ALL of my life, even when I didn't feel His presence or request His guidance -- my CV/resume reflects nothing short of divine guidance in many of my career decisions that allowed me to take some interesting and exciting detours leading me to a unique set of knowledge and skills that make me very "attractive" right now in my field.
So here is the original post...
I am reflecting on how much I have been praying for God to "fix" my W and to heal/restore our marriage, and as I reflect on this I am becoming more and more aware of how God is working in my life since BD.
To be clear -- my W still wants separation/divorce and her EA with OW is still going strong... To the point where they are planning additional trips to see in each other in person, and W & I have had open conversations about OW and their intentions to have a future together.
However...
Since BD, as I have been praying and more recently engaging in a more active study of the bible, I can now see where God is working in this entire sitch and I feel the need to share it here as a way to give God some praise for the work He is doing here...
1. I am increasingly growing in my faith and developing a much closer relationship with God that I have NEVER had in my entire life... and it is only through this relationship that I have been able to be as strong as I have been through what has felt like a living nightmare in my life.
2. I am still living in our home with my W and our children -- despite W's desire that I would move out right after Christmas. Not only am I still living here, but...
3. W and I are actually getting along like good friends -- and I was convinced around Christmas time that if I didn't move out as soon as possible that W's anger and bitterness would only grow and she would end up hating me... Which leads me to believe that...
4. God is working on softening W's heart towards me... That God is working on removing the anger and bitterness that W was feeling towards me and replacing it with, at the very least, friendly feelings... And this strengthens my faith that God is working to turn her heart around despite what I see and hear regarding her EA with OW...
5. I know for a fact now that W and OW still have only had an EA because I now know for certain that OW is "saving" herself for marriage. This is a huge blessing in my opinion -- an EA is still horrible and of course this could change in the future, but for now the EA has not become a PA.
6. Our weekends have been filled with much more quality family time than before BD. Both W and I seem to be making a greater effort over the past several weeks to focus more on the kids on the weekend -- going out to dinner together as a family, playing games together at home, choosing movies that all of us can watch together, etc.
Yes, the sitch still appears to be headed towards a poor outcome for our R/M, but my faith is growing that God is working to turn this around and I am working hard to rely on my faith in God and not on my own understanding. Notice I said the sitch "appears" and not "is" -- because I don't know what kind of work God is doing right now in my W's heart and in the heart of OW. :-) Some of the blessings listed above are small, but a couple are rather huge... not quite as huge as my W having a sudden and overwhelming urge to reconcile, but these are still victories in my opinion and I feel that is so very important that I give God some praise for all of these blessings.
God is great and I know He is working strongly within me and within our lives. I fully believe that He is working all things for good in my life right now, and I intend to continue praying as I also continue to recognize any and all blessings that come our way as we go through this very difficult trial in our lives.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Keep using your faith as fuel. Use it to push you forward. Fill your tank and press on. I turned to my faith to ease the pain, which is fine...but, now, I'm seeing how I can use my faith, draw on it to reach what's in front me...things that I would have previously believed unattainable.
I'm learning there's more to this than pain management.
He sees you how you really are. He sees who you are in your purest form. He sees a you that you've never met. The best, brightest, most joyous you. Who is she? That's what I'm discovering.
Who is the Heather that God knows? Who is Heather...minus the marital drama, alcoholic husband, cheating father, negative experiences????
Who is Jer at her core? What makes her a priceless treasure? You've survived so far...she must be pretty amazing.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather -- that is what I am learning as well on this journey... first it was about getting through the pain -- now it's about greater discoveries, knowing that God does have a plan forward for all of us (and that this MLC experience is a part of that bigger plan), learning to walk through life with faith and gratitude for everything God is doing in my life, and learning how to be the person He knows I can be in all areas of my life.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Ok -- spring break is over... that means everyone in the school district is back at work today...
I am declaring that this week I will begin to hear from some folks in the school district with requests for me to come in to interview for some fantastic career opportunities!
:-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
W got some extremely bad financial news yesterday regarding her business taxes... And now I see monster beginning to re-emerge because her "exit plan" for getting me out of the house has hit a major obstacle -- she simply can't afford to buy me out of my % of the house right now and she also can't afford a lawyer to represent her on the co-parenting agreement that we need to eventually file with the court.
She also now does not have the financial means to help me with furnishing a new house -- which means that even when I do get a new job, moving out will have to wait until I've brought in enough paychecks to be able to purchase furniture (including bedroom sets for 3 kids in addition to all of the other furniture needed -- so it isn't going to be a cheap move).
Amazingly, I am not stressed out about this at all. I have full faith that God is handling this situation (even to the point that the really bad financial news is one more message from Him to her about the choices she is making in her life right now), and that God is also working hard on my job sitch. I do expect something really great to happen with regard to my job search and I think that will eventually help relieve the financial sitch that we are now in.
When she told me all of this last night I simply expressed my concern and assured her that I understood the seriousness of the sitch and would continue to do my part to keep household costs down. I've never been the one in the family who spends extravagantly anyway, so it's not a big deal to me in that regard. I am the one who does all of the grocery shopping, so I will just increase my efforts to shop wisely :-) I also held back from making any kind of comment about "well, perhaps you shouldn't have spent all that money on a trip around the world to visit OW and sent her money to make the trip here to visit you in addition to the other money I know you've sent her!" -- Those thoughts did cross my mind, but I didn't say them to her.
Still no word from anyone at the district regarding a potential job, but I know that it will happen when the time is right.
Despite all of this, I am feeling really good this morning -- very positive and hopeful about the future. I know good things are headed this way and it's all just a matter of time.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Reading this I went straight to that thought too Jer .. and you were wise not to let that come out, as hard as it might be to wanna shake em they are just not able to see through the fog. My W hit a bit of a $$ issue too, and was all about the nickel and dime approach, I never really helped her in this area, when she pressed me a year or so ago about it I calmly told her I was not funding her A ... oh the spew that day was a good one.
I am also interested to see OWs future reactions to this news, if there is no more honey out of this pot .. maybe she moves to another tree as we all have guessed if this might be a scam or if she is really interested. Definately puts a kink in their fantasy and that is in your favor regardless right?
Keep focused, worry about you, you are really doing this right.
Reading this I went straight to that thought too Jer .. and you were wise not to let that come out, as hard as it might be to wanna shake em they are just not able to see through the fog. My W hit a bit of a $$ issue too, and was all about the nickel and dime approach, I never really helped her in this area, when she pressed me a year or so ago about it I calmly told her I was not funding her A ... oh the spew that day was a good one.
Yeah -- I knew better than to go there with her... However, when my fantastic new high-paying job materializes, there probably will have to be some tough discussions regarding family budget and full transparency regarding income and expenses (for both of us) because while I am happy to contribute more to our family I do not want to be funding these international trips for this stupid A.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
I am also interested to see OWs future reactions to this news, if there is no more honey out of this pot .. maybe she moves to another tree as we all have guessed if this might be a scam or if she is really interested. Definately puts a kink in their fantasy and that is in your favor regardless right?
Most definitely puts a kink in their fantasy... I doubt I'll really know what OW thinks about this, but I assume when she does decide to break things off with W there will be some noticeable signs in my W (depression, withdrawal symptoms from the A?)
Even if she doesn't break it off immediately, this certainly does cause some problems for them because it does mean that I am not moving out of the house as quickly as they both hope.
And -- when I do get my fantastic new job, it's quite possible that there will be a shift in power dynamics within our household because I'll suddenly be making a lot more money and no longer dependent on my W... I really don't have any clue what that is going to look like or be like right now, but I can't imagine there won't be some shift in those dynamics.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Keep focused, worry about you, you are really doing this right.
Thanks! I've had a great day today despite this financial sitch that in the past would really have me very nervous. Just got an email from W about some potential freelance work for me with her current client and when I replied back in a positive way she replied back with a positive response. In her reply she mentioned that we need to sit down soon to work on a budget -- she's NEVER asked us to sit down to work on a budget the entire time we've lived together, so I know this financial sitch really has her sweating... I don't mean that in a bad or malicious way -- it's just an observation about her right at the moment. FWIW - I want everything to work out for the best for all of us and for none of us to be under this kind of stress... But a lot of that is out of my hands, so I just continue to focus on me while keeping lots of prayer around the entire sitch.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Just got an email regarding one of the jobs I applied for!
I don't have the job yet -- but the person hiring for the position got my name form the person I interviewed with a couple of weeks ago... not through the online application system. So the person hiring for the position is contacting me because I come "highly recommended" by a trusted colleague. Much better than getting my name through the online application system!
The pay is lower than I need, but the role is one of several potential "perfect fits" for my experience and qualifications... Personally, I think the pay is very low for the job description, but at least this would get me back into the district working full-time and from there I can move around to better paying positions VERY easily.
Thank you God! I think this position is the one for me right now under the circumstances.
It doesn't solve all of the issues in my life, but it solves one of the issues and will put me on a path for much greater things!
What a GREAT start to the weekend! :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
You can negotiate the salary...ya know. Don't be afraid to negotiate. I've used some negotiating tactics that meant a difference of $10-20K in salary differential.
