Bug-I never saw Alice. But I did see the Exorcist, and I read the transcript of her interview. Thanks for the suggestion! And yes, Google is our friend.
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You have to get there, to YOUR life, otherwise there's a danger that future R will resemble your old M.
^^^^^^^ This is exactly what I feared the most, and it was my #1 incentive to making big and small changes using free will. I freely admit that I was not one to express gratitude enough to him. I pretty much took everything he did for me, us, our girls and our household for granted. He's always been a good provider and he managed what I considered the "male chores" in an outstanding fashion.
So, when he left and I was stuck with those chores, I was beyond pissed. I hate yard work. I hate shoveling. I'd rather do laundry, clean and cook. Then I had to do it all, and I was resentful as hell. It also got in the way with any ounce of gratitude I had flowing through my veins. I really couldn't see the upside in my imposed new lifestyle. And on top of it, I was stuck in a house that needed a lot of work (that he promised to do when we moved into it) without having skills to do the job myself. I'm a lousy diagnostics technician, and even worse at repairing anything remotely mechanical. My skills lie elsewhere.
I remained steadfastly devoted to my righteous outrage. The gall of him! (I am not joking in the least bit here.) It took a long time for me to LET.IT.GO. I'm a bad let'er'goer. Really bad. I'm much better now, though. The only thing I knew from the start is that I had one shot to commit to making my life different for the 2nd half. I didn't want to remain who I was or how I felt, and I sure as hell didn't want the same marriage with someone different because I wasn't evolved enough to do a better job in a relationship.
My XH has a slew of hangups and issues. But he owns them and God knows, I have enough of my own to clean up. When I started working on the cleanup on my side of the street, it truly took away the lure of calling him out for his curbside trash. My trash didn't smell or look any better out there for everyone to see.
It really IS a lifelong process, Claire. I'm not healed, and I never will be where I want to be. I'll feel like I've reached the next level when certain news items don't irritate my butt under the saddle. (I found myself growing irate when I told my dad yesterday about a state senator here who made a hideous comment about a recent tragedy.) My neck grew red and I could feel my blood pressure rise and I knew afterward that I still have a long way to go too. My dad helped let some of the air out of the tires by wondering aloud if we're heading back to the dark ages...
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We have to be able to recognize when our "gift" becomes a supposed to rather than a want to.
This is something that I'm going to focus on when I have my next relationship opportunity. I try to incorporate verbal and active gratitude toward others right now, but the real test will happen in a more intimate setting. We shall see.
Just a side note to make sure that you know I'm not caught up in the blame game of my FOO dysfunction. My parents did the best job they could with the resources they had and the information available. It was a lot easier to forgive them for their foibles once I became a parent. It's a lot easier now for me to give people the benefit of the doubt. I sleep easier for that too.
Good luck! Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
