FIDO - Changing The Rules - Pt 1

[NH115]

Well, OM came and went this week without any major issues. She had a minor crash yesterday evening but it wasn't a bad one. I listened, validated, stayed positive, yada yada yada. That's getting so much easier now.

We went to work out and then went to our favorite chain restaurant for late night appetizers and our MC homework. The C had given us a list of open ended questions for each one of us to answer..things like "In my family the most important thing was...." We ended up having a great talk that night; she even learned something about me she didn't know! Most of the questions were about our families growing up. Our families were very different. That's not a bad thing per se, but my family could be very intrusive, and that's been a major source of stress on our M.

I feel more healthily detached from her. We both talked (and agreed) that we needed to see each other as individuals on our own journeys (very true) and we needed to give each other the freedom to go on those journeys (within the bounds of M). I told her that if she needed a different life to be happy, that I was OK with that. And I really am. I'm only interested in an authentic R with her, whatever form that R takes. The last few months have destroyed my ability to put up with relationships that are merely "comfortable". She still wonders whether this M has run its course, and we're both meant to move on. It didn't really bother me when she said it. I'm asking the same questions. It bothers me a bit that I can actually see her as just a friend. We've never been "just friends".

I'm heartened by her more positive outlook...I even see her "poor me" attitude fading, at least for the time being. It changes daily, of course. She's still very open about her loneliness and disconnect with me, but she seem stronger. She's not doing the depressive crash and spew right now. I'll take that as a win.

Her surgery is scheduled for 4/7; she'll be off work for 2 weeks at least during the recovery period. Not sure what that's going to do for her state of mind...work and exercise are her two main stress releases, and she won't be able to do either one for a while. April may be a long month. S is still on the table; but if it happens it'll be after she recovers and gets back to work.

On balance I'd say we're in a good place. I'm still bothered by her apparent lack of remorse. She says she regrets what happened and she talk about how "lost" she was, but she never seems very "sorry" for the pain she caused. I think she's still doing too much justification because of the pain that I caused her. I fully own my failures in our relationship, but it still seems to be too much about my mistakes and not enough about hers. In the grand scheme of things her A was pretty mild and she's done a good job of staying within boundaries. OM even attempted to flirt with her when he was in town this last time and she shut him down.

Am I putting too much emphasis on her remorse? I don't expect her to cry at my feet and beg forgiveness, but she still seems too focused on my role. Is this something i should be concerned about or am I doing too much scorekeeping?